Back to the Proposal Day, I Grant Him His Regret

At nine the next morning, Hugh came back. The circles under his eyes were dark, his white shirt hopelessly wrinkled, but in his hand he carried a bowl of hot shrimp porridge. "Zozo, I got you shrimp porridge." He set the bowl on the dining table, then crossed the room quickly to pull me into a hug. "You didn't sleep well last night, did you?" I didn't push him away. But I didn't reach up to fix his collar the way I used to, either. He looked down and saw the ring box on the coffee table, and the tension went out of his face. "I knew it. You can't stay mad at me." He reached for the ring, meaning to slide it onto my finger, and I drew my hand back. Hugh stopped. "Still angry?" I asked, "How's Marianne?" He rubbed at the space between his brows. "Sprained ligament in her ankle. Nothing serious." "She's just been scared of the dark since she was little, and the hospital corridor kept going dark last night, so she held onto me the whole time and wouldn't let go." He looked at me, his tone turning reproachful. "Don't blame her." "She didn't interrupt us on purpose." I lifted my eyes to his. "Hugh, did she interrupt us, or did you choose to walk out?" His face darkened. "Zoe, do you have to talk like that?" "She got hurt. I went to take care of her. What's wrong with that?" "You're my girlfriend. Can't you cut me a little slack?" Cut him slack. Be understanding. Always the same thing. I looked down and picked up my bag. "We're leaving for the cemetery at ten." Hugh glanced at the time. "Fine. I'll drive you." We were halfway there when his phone rang again. Marianne again. Hugh frowned and answered. Her voice came through, weak and panicked. "Hugh, I woke up and couldn't find you." "The nurse wants me to go for scans, but it's so hard to manage on crutches by myself." "I'm being a burden to you, aren't I?" Hugh slammed his foot on the brake and pulled over to the side of the road. The momentum threw me forward, and my forehead struck the glove box hard. He didn't even glance at me. He just kept soothing the person on the phone. "Don't cry, I'm coming right now." "Wait for me in your room. Don't wander off." I pressed a hand to my forehead and asked him, "What about the cemetery?" Hugh was quiet for a moment. "Let's go tomorrow instead." "She was buried on this day." I stared at him, unblinking. "If we go tomorrow, she won't blame you." "But I'll blame you." His face went fully cold, and he slapped the steering wheel in irritation. "Zoe, can you stop being so unreasonable?" "Mari's got a cast on her leg right now, with nobody to go through the exam with her." "Your mother has been gone for years." "Do you really have to pick a fight with a sick person at a time like this?" I sat rigid in the passenger seat. He knew perfectly well I was only nineteen the year my mother died. At the end, she took his hand and begged him to look after me. His eyes had gone red as he promised. "Don't worry, Mrs. Whitman." "I'll protect Zoe for the rest of my life." So this was his protection. Stepping aside to make room for another woman. Seeing that I wouldn't speak, Hugh softened his tone a little. "Zozo, go on ahead by yourself for now." "I'll take you to dinner tonight and make up for the memorial. All right?" I didn't answer. I just pushed the door open and got out. He sat in the car watching me for a while, probably assuming I would swallow my feelings and get over it on my own, the way I always had. A moment later he hit the gas, and the tires kicked up the standing water on the road, splashing it across the cuffs of my pants. I went to the cemetery alone. There were white chrysanthemums set before the headstone. I crouched down and wiped the rain from her photo. "Mom." "I still haven't learned how to take care of myself." By the time I came back from the cemetery, it was already dark. Hugh wasn't home. There was a note on the dining table. 【Mari's running a fever tonight. I've gone to the hospital.】 【There's food in the fridge. Heat something up for yourself.】 I stood in front of the table a long time without moving. Then my phone lit up with a message. It was from Hugh. 【Where did you put the card with our wedding savings on it?】 【Mari needs to top up her hospital deposit and I'm short on cash right now. I'll just borrow thirty thousand for now.】 【I'll pay you back next month when I get my paycheck.】 I stared at those three lines. In my last life, it started exactly like this, with one "I'll just borrow" after another. First the hospital deposit, then the imported medication, the surgery fees. And in the end, the apartment my parents left me. I typed my reply slowly. 【No.】 Hugh called almost instantly. "Zoe, what's that supposed to mean?" I said, "That's our wedding money." "The wedding isn't tomorrow!" "A person's life is on the line and you're still splitting things into yours and mine?" "Hugh, it's a hurt ankle." There were two seconds of silence on the other end. Then he spoke, holding down his temper. "Zoe, when did you turn into this?" "You used to be the kindest person I knew." "Marianne has no family. If I don't help her, who will?" I closed my eyes and said, "You can help her." "Just don't use my things to do it." Hugh let out a cold laugh. "Fine." "So you've grown a spine now." "I'll find the money myself. Don't come regretting it." The line went dead. And I realized that even doing this all over again, his tone still had the power to hurt me. That one line, you've changed, still made me wonder if I was being too heartless. But I finally understood. I hadn't changed at all. I just didn't want to be played by him anymore.

Monday, I went to work as usual. I'm a budget estimator at a renovation firm. The pay is low and the work never ends. Hugh Gilbert used to complain that the job was too hard on me. He said once we were married, he'd take care of me. In my last life I actually believed him. After the wedding I quit and built my whole world around him. Then he got sick, and every bill, every payment, every loan fell to me alone. "Zoe." Nanette James, my department manager, tapped my desk. "The Harbor City project team needs a records clerk. Three-month posting." "Housing's covered out there, and the pay's a little better than here." "Weren't you saying you couldn't travel far because of the wedding?" Harbor City was over eight hundred kilometers away. Going meant leaving Hugh behind. Nanette saw me hesitate and added, "You don't have to answer now." "But there's only one spot." I answered quietly, "Let me think about it, Nanette." At noon Hugh showed up in the lobby, waiting for me. He had a hot latte in his hand, the one I used to love most. My coworkers were all teasing me with a smile. "Zoe, your boyfriend's here to pick you up again." "So handsome, and he does it every day. I'm so jealous." Hearing all that, Hugh slipped back into his old gentleness and handed me the latte. "Still angry?" "I was busy taking care of Mari all weekend. I didn't have time for you." I didn't take the latte. "What did you come here for?" The smile on his face thinned a little. "I wanted to talk something over with you." "Marianne's rental has a leak. The landlord says it'll take a few days to fix." "Her leg still isn't healed, and a hotel would be inconvenient for her." "I told her she could stay at our place for a few days." I looked at him and asked, "And where are you putting her?" "The master bedroom," he said. "It's close to the bathroom, so she can get around easier." "You can take the spare room." Then, as if afraid I'd read too much into it, he added, "Just a few days." "Don't overthink it." A wave of exhaustion hit me. That apartment was one he and I had rented together. I was the one who washed the sheets, chose the curtains, carried every potted plant onto the balcony one by one. But in Hugh's mouth, I could be tossed somewhere else the moment it suited him. I stared at him and asked, one word at a time. "Hugh, what exactly is Marianne to you?" His brows knotted tight. "Here we go again." "I've told you plenty of times, she's just an old friend." "She's having a hard time right now. I'm only giving her a hand." "A friend?" I let out a cold laugh. "Does a friend need to move into the master bedroom you share with your fiancée?" "Does a friend need you to abandon me at my own proposal?" "Does a friend need you to walk out on the day I was visiting my mother's grave?" Hugh's face darkened further. "Zoe, can you stop clinging to all these things?" "You know how sensitive Mari is." "If she finds out you resent her this much, she'll be hurt all over again." Even now, all he could think about was whether Marianne would be hurt. He never once asked whether I was. Seeing my eyes redden, Hugh reached out to hold me. I stepped back and dodged him. His hand froze in midair. "Enough." "I'll cook for you tonight." "Just give her the master bedroom for a few days. Don't make it awkward for everyone." He turned and left the moment he'd said it, without even waiting for me to agree. At six that evening I got home, and the door opened onto an unfamiliar perfume. Marianne was sitting in my usual seat, her leg wrapped in a bandage, hugging my throw pillow to her chest. Hugh was cooking in the kitchen. He heard the noise and leaned out. "You're back?" "Go put your things in the spare room first." "I made bone broth for Mari. There's some in the pot for you too." I stood in the entryway and didn't move. Marianne hurried to get up. "Zoe, I'm sorry." "I didn't want to stay in a hotel, so Hugh brought me here." "I meant to take the spare room, but Hugh said the master was more convenient..." As she spoke her eyes reddened, and Hugh dropped the spatula at once and rushed out. "Don't move." "The doctor said you can't strain yourself." He steadied Marianne and looked back at me. "See? It's really not a big deal." I bent to change my shoes, and beside the shoe cabinet I saw a wad of tissues stained with blood. I went still. Hugh's hand shot out to grab it, but I picked it up first. There was a dark red patch inside the tissue. My voice shook. "You're coughing up blood?" Hugh's expression shifted slightly. "It's just a scratched throat." I seized his wrist. "Tomorrow you're coming with me to the hospital for a checkup." He flung my hand off. "Zoe, don't make a fuss over nothing." "I've got something to do tomorrow." I stared at him and demanded, "What could be more important than the hospital?" Hugh said nothing. Marianne spoke up softly from the side. "Hugh promised to help me move things out of my studio tomorrow." "Or I could just go myself..." Hugh whipped his head around and stared at her. "No." "Your leg isn't healed. Don't push yourself." My hand slipped off his wrist. So the something he had to do was Marianne again. He looked at my pale face and seemed a little guilty. "After I finish the move tomorrow, I'll go to the hospital." "I promise you." I said nothing more. That night I messaged Nanette. 【Nanette, is the Harbor City spot still open?】

The next morning Hugh didn't go to the hospital, and he didn't come back after moving the last of the things either. A little after ten, while I was sorting files at the office, Marianne suddenly called. She was crying so hard she could barely breathe. "Zoe, Hugh collapsed." "He coughed up so much blood just now." "Come to the hospital, quick, he keeps calling for you…" The papers in my hand scattered across the floor, and for that instant nothing else mattered. I flagged down a cab and rushed to the hospital. In the ER corridor, Marianne sat huddled in a chair, her face ghostly white. The moment she saw me she threw herself at me and grabbed my hands. "It's all my fault." "If Hugh hadn't insisted on going to the studio with me, he wouldn't have collapsed like that." I couldn't be bothered with her, and went straight to the door of the resuscitation room. On the bed lay Hugh, an oxygen tube in his nose, his face drained of all color. A doctor came out holding the test results and asked who was family to the Gilberts. I had barely opened my mouth when Silvia Gilbert came charging out of the elevator. "I'm his mother." The doctor nodded. "There's a mass in the patient's lung. It doesn't look good." "Our preliminary read is that it's very likely malignant." "We recommend admitting him immediately and doing a biopsy and pathology as soon as possible." Silvia's legs buckled and she swayed, then clamped down hard on my arm. "Zoe, aren't you about to marry Hugh?" "You can't just abandon him now." "That apartment your parents left you, could you think of something with it first?" "Treating Hugh's illness will cost hundreds of thousands at the very least, and more than a million won't be enough to stop it." A chill ran through me, and all those IOUs and mortgage contracts from my past life came crowding back into my head. A full 1.7 million. I sold my jewelry and mortgaged the apartment. Knelt at relatives' doors and got screamed at with fingers jabbed in my face, and in the end all I got for it was that one line of regret on Hugh's phone. If only I'd married you back then. "Silvia." My lips were bloodless. "The pathology isn't back yet, it's not for certain…" "Not certain how?" Silvia cut me off through her tears. "The doctor already said it. How can you still be this calm?" "You and Hugh have been together all these years. He's in trouble, and you're not going to help him?" On the bed, Hugh slowly opened his eyes, and a flicker of panic crossed his face when he saw me. "Mom." His voice was hoarse. "Don't push Zoe." Silvia froze where she stood, and my heart lurched too. I thought he had finally learned to protect me. The next second he turned his head toward Marianne, huddled in the corner. "Why are you still here?" "Didn't I tell you to go home?" Marianne shook her head, her eyes rimmed red. "I'm not leaving." "I was scared something would happen to you." Hugh lifted his hand and touched the back of hers. "Don't be scared." "It's not your fault." Then he turned to me again, his voice soft but carrying an instruction that left no room for refusal. "Zozo, Mari got a terrible fright today." "Take her home first." "My mom being here is enough." Standing in that room, my tears spilled over at once. He was lying there that sick, and the first thing on his mind was still whether Marianne was frightened. He even took it for granted that I would look after Marianne for him. Just like in my past life, running to hospitals for him, borrowing money, selling the apartment, holding together every mess. And in the end all I got was waiting for him to sit there regretting he hadn't married someone else. I wiped my tears away hard. "Hugh." He looked at me. I asked, "If it were me lying here today." "If Marianne were scared, would you still tell me to take her home first?" Hugh knitted his brows. "Why are you saying this kind of thing again?" "I'm in this state now, and you still want to make a scene with me?" That line snapped the last thread of hope inside me. I took the ring out of my bag. I'd been gripping the box for two days, and the corners had gone soft. I walked to the bed and set it down beside Hugh's hand. "I'm not making a scene." "I've just finally understood." "You never once treated me as the most important person to you." Hugh's face changed completely. He tried to sit up, but it pulled at his chest and set him coughing until his whole body shook. "Zoe, don't go." He clamped down on my wrist, but his grip was weak, drained of strength. Nothing left of the confident man he used to be. Looking at him, my heart still ached, because I had loved him for so many years. Even having died once and known the ending, one word asking me to stay could still make me want to turn back. But then Marianne suddenly cried out through her sobs. "Hugh, don't move." Hugh let go of me at once and turned to soothe her. "It's okay." "Don't cry." I pulled my hand free, turned, and walked out of the room in long strides. Behind me, no one came after me. At four in the afternoon I got home and didn't take much with me. Only my documents, bank cards, and clothes, and the photo my mother had left behind. Nanette called. "Zoe, the Harbor City project needs someone there tonight." "Can you make the 8:30 bullet train?" I looked around the empty living room and answered quietly, "Yes." At eight twenty that night, the gate light at the station turned green. My phone kept ringing. Hugh had called more than a dozen times in a row. Finally he sent a voice message. "Zoe, the doctor says I have to be admitted." "Where on earth have you gone?" "You can't abandon me at a time like this." I listened to it, then stood there a long while before pressing the power button off. Once, I had walked into a marriage and trapped myself at Hugh's side. And this time, the train doors slid slowly open. I dragged my suitcase and walked in without slowing my stride.