She Was His First Love, I Was Just the Stand-In

Noreen is so understanding. Understanding? So being "understanding" meant I had to let the woman who destroyed my last relationship come watch my wedding. He held me as we fell asleep, same as every night. But sleep wouldn't come. At some point in the dead of night, the warmth behind me vanished. Mark had slipped out of the room. I followed. He was on the balcony, smoking, one cigarette after another. A dull ache twisted through my chest. Even his silhouette carried a sadness that wouldn't dissolve. He'd quit smoking after we got together because I hated the smell. But Effie Simmons had broken that promise too. I pulled my gaze away and crept into the study. The drawer beside his desk was unlocked tonight. Buried at the very bottom was a journal. My breath caught. My hands shook as I opened it. The inside cover was filled with Effie Simmons's name, written over and over. Photographs of her were tucked between the pages. I turned through them. Page after page of dense, cramped handwriting, pouring out his love for her. If what Mark gave me was gentle warmth, what he felt for Effie was a blaze. Scalding and all-consuming. Love and the absence of it were both so painfully obvious. No wonder he never let me clean this room. Noreen, don't worry about the study. I'm afraid you'll reorganize something and I won't be able to find my files. It was never about the files. It was about keeping his feelings hidden from me. Tears slid down my face. My heart felt like it was being carved open. My phone screen lit up. A message from Landon. 【Noreen, the earliest flight is a week from now. I already booked it. I'll be here waiting for you.】 I stared at the screen and wiped the cold tears from my cheeks. On the day of the wedding, I would vanish from Mark's life for good. Seeing Effie Simmons again left me slightly dazed. The four of us had attended the same university. Jesse and Effie were the golden couple everyone envied back then. But it didn't last. Effie transferred abroad and broke things off with Jesse, and he and I gradually grew closer. What I never expected was that Jesse had never forgotten her. And neither had Mark, the boy I'd known for thirteen years. ……Noreen. Effie looked at me with guilt pooling in her eyes, her voice catching. "Noreen, I'm sorry. I didn't think you'd agree to see me." She and I had been friends in college. I never imagined things would end up here. As she walked over, her heel caught on something and she stumbled. Mark, right beside her, caught her arm before I could blink. "Careful!" Their eyes locked. Mark pulled his hand away fast, but not fast enough to hide what I saw in his gaze. I forced a smile and took the gift she held out. "It's fine. That's all in the past." "Come sit down, let's figure out what to order." Mark sat beside me, but his eyes kept drifting to her, glance after quiet glance. "I'll eat anything. You all decide." Effie handed the menu to Mark. He ordered without hesitation. "We'll have the tea-smoked shrimp, the bisque, the pan-seared sea bass……" Mark stopped. Every dish he'd ordered was one of Effie's favorites. And I couldn't stand the smell of seafood. I didn't eat any of it. I looked at him. A sharp, sudden pain split through my chest. "Noreen, I……" I shot to my feet, nearly knocking my chair back, and all but fled the table. "I need the restroom. Go ahead and order." I stood in front of the mirror, gasping for air in ragged gulps. I'd told myself I was ready for this. That I'd braced for it. But watching him rattle off her favorite dishes without a second thought still tore me apart.

By now, I already knew. In his heart, she would always come first. On my way back from the restroom, I spotted Mark and Effie in the stairwell landing. She was crying hard, her reddened eyes fixed on him with pitiful desperation. "Mark, does Noreen still blame me?" He was silent for a few seconds, then pulled back the hand he'd been about to reach out. "Effie, what you and Jesse did back then was truly unforgivable." "You could've told her the truth. Instead, you two ran off together while she was pregnant." "Do you know Noreen nearly didn't make it off the operating table? You two……" Effie's sobs grew louder, and Mark didn't finish. However long she cried, he stood right beside her. It never once crossed his mind whether I'd already come back. Her breathing slowly steadied. Mark handed her a tissue and sighed. "Effie, after you attend our wedding, I don't want you or Jesse showing up again. It's too cruel to Noreen." The fire door swung shut. They left. I leaned against the cold wall, hollowed out from the inside. Mark knew everything, and still he chose to be the one carving out my heart. In front of Effie he put on a show of defending me, yet he couldn't stop himself from being gentle with her. Compared to what Jesse and Effie had done, everything Mark did was crueler. His eyes, his words, his every gesture were a blade, etching themselves into my heart stroke by stroke, deep and heavy, until the cuts bled. By the time I returned to the table, all the dishes had been served. Mark looked up the moment he saw me, his face tight with worry. "Noreen, you were gone so long. Are you feeling okay?" I shook my head. He slid my favorite dishes closer to me. An awkward silence settled over the table. Effie glanced at me, then smiled and asked： "Noreen, how's your recovery going? Have the complications from the hemorrhage cleared up?" The words hit me like a fist. My fingers clenched around my silverware and my chest seized, panic flooding in before I could stop it. That baby who never got to be born was still my deepest wound. For years, everyone around me had carefully avoided the subject. I'd avoided it myself. Effie bringing it up so bluntly was a direct, brutal blow. The silverware slipped from my hands. I pressed my palm over my chest and gasped for air, one ragged breath after another. Before I could say a word, Mark was already pulling me to my feet. He turned to Effie, his expression cold for the first time, his voice sharp for the first time. "Enough!" "I don't know what you're really after by coming back, but if you keep disrespecting my wife, then don't bother showing up to our wedding." He swept me into his arms and walked out without another word. "Mark, that's not what I meant!" His steps faltered for a beat. He didn't turn around. Back in the car, Mark ran his hand over the top of my head, slow and soothing. "It's okay, Noreen. Don't be scared. I'm right here. It's all over now." When we got home, he warmed a glass of milk for me, held me in his arms, and coaxed me to sleep. I drifted off in a haze, only to be jolted awake in the middle of the night by a crack of thunder. The room was pitch black. I was alone. Mark was gone. I checked my phone. No messages from him. I called several times. Every call went to a busy signal. He had never disappeared without a word before. Rain lashed against the window. Terrified something had happened to him, I called every friend of his I could think of. Reg Gilbert's voice came through low and halting, barely above a whisper. "Noreen, Mark's at the hospital. We all are."

My heart dropped like a stone. I threw on a coat, hands shaking, ready to run out the door. "Is Mark okay? What happened?" "It's not Mark……" My hand froze. "It's Effie." "After you guys left, she couldn't get a ride, and it was pouring outside. Mark was worried something might happen, so he called a few of us to help look for her. We found her at a bus stop, soaked through and passed out with a fever. She's at the hospital now, hooked up to an IV." I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. My throat burned as though I'd swallowed fire, and something inside my chest folded in on itself. I pitied myself. Was I really so unworthy of being loved for who I was? "Noreen? You okay?" "Mark's phone probably died. I'll get him to call you back in a bit. Don't worry." The call ended in a hurry. I lay with my eyes open until morning. When Mark pushed through the door, his shirt was a wrinkled mess and his eyes were threaded with red. He hadn't slept either. "Noreen, Effie got sick, and I……" "I know. Reg told me." I cut him off quietly and handed him a towel. "Go take a shower. Skip work today. Get some sleep." "Noreen, are you upset?" He set his things down and moved to hold me, but I stepped back before he could. The rejection flickered across his face, and irritation crept into his expression. "Noreen, Effie doesn't have any family or close friends in this city. I couldn't just leave her there. Can you be a little more mature about this?" The words were barely out before he regretted them. He smacked himself on the forehead, wincing. "Noreen, that came out wrong. I'm sorry." "It's fine." I smiled, keeping my voice light, and steered him toward the bathroom. "Effie's our friend too. You did the right thing." Only when the shower hissed on behind the closed door did I let myself cry. Mark, I will never give you another chance to hurt me. Never again. The day before I was supposed to leave, Mark and a few friends finished decorating the bridal suite. Effie didn't show up. I asked, casual as I could manage： "Where's Effie? Didn't she say she wanted to see the new place?" Mark blinked, then caught himself. "I told her to head home. We didn't need the extra help." "Noreen, I don't want you to be unhappy." He held my gaze, and the tenderness in his eyes was unmistakable. If I hadn't known he'd gotten close to me because of Effie, I never would have doubted a man this thoughtful and attentive. I let the subject go with a small smile： "Mark, you're supposed to come pick me up from the bridal suite tomorrow morning. Don't sleep here tonight. No point waking up early just to drive all the way back." He looked reluctant, but nodded. "Alright. I'll be here first thing to pick you up." "Tomorrow we'll be married. We'll be husband and wife for real." He smoothed a strand of hair from my face, and before he left, he added： "Noreen, if you need anything, call me. Don't try to tough it out alone." Only after he and the others were gone did I let out a breath. Tomorrow morning, I would leave this city and vanish from Mark's life for good. I stared at the photos that had just been taped to the bedroom wall, then tore them down one by one and dropped them in the trash. I pulled the custom wedding dress from the closet, found a pair of scissors, and cut it to ribbons. Everything else in the room stayed where it was. I only erased the traces of myself. It was time to end this. Before I fell asleep, a text from Mark lit up my phone. 【Noreen, I'm too excited to sleep. I can't wait for the wedding tomorrow.】 【Noreen, I love you. I'll be by your side for the rest of my life.】 【Noreen, see you tomorrow.】 These words used to make me feel so cherished. Now all I felt was the bitter sting of irony. Maybe he really had fallen in love with me. But Effie Simmons was a thorn lodged permanently in his heart. The moment she appeared, he lost himself. Became someone I didn't recognize. I didn't reply to a single message. I just set my alarm and prepared to leave in the morning. At three a.m., I wheeled my suitcase out of the home we'd decorated together. I used to believe this place would be my safe harbor, my shelter for the rest of my life. Now I understood. The only person who could ever truly protect me was myself. Before boarding, I got more calls and texts from Mark. 【Noreen, the makeup artist said you told her not to come. Did you do your own makeup?】 【Noreen, I'm almost at the suite. Are you ready?】 【Noreen, why aren't you answering? Did something happen?】 I swiped past every one of them without expression and boarded the plane without looking back.