My Wife’s Best Guy Friend Had Constipation, So I Used Super Glue on Him

I had been driving for almost three minutes when my phone rang. I glanced at the screen and saw Lucia was calling. Was she sick? Why was she calling me when she was literally in the car? …Wait. Where were Lucia and Asher? I slammed the brakes and looked back. Damn! The back seat was completely empty. “Hello, my dear wife, what are your orders?” I answered the call. “Fuck you！Where’s the car?! Where the hell did you drive off to?! Hurry up and get back here!” Asher’s voice shouted from the background. I whipped the car around and sped back. Meanwhile, Amelia next to me was laughing so hard she almost passed out; her plump bosom almost shook right off. I nearly fainted just watching her. A few minutes later, I drove back to the villa. Lucia helped Asher into the car and glared at me. “Mateo, if anything happens to Ash, I'll not let you off the hook!” “The LaxaTube was the problmatic one, why are you blaming me for?” I defended myself but didn’t start the car. “Hurry up and drive!” Lucia snapped. “I swear, why did you drive off to?! Were you trying to kill me?!" Asher was crying and rolling in the seat, clutching his stomach. “Relax. No need to panic. Actually, I had a reason for driving ahead. You’ve played League of Legends, right? You know Teemo? You know his voice line? 'I went ahead to scout!’” I explained with serious tone. “Scout my ass!” Asher screamed. Lucia kept a straight face, trying not to laugh and almost failed. “WAHAHAHAHA—!” Amelia was laughing like a pig, smacking my arm while laughing too hard. But she hit me right as I was driving and my arm hurt. My hand twitched a bit and the steering wheel shook. Eventually, we crashed straight into a streetlamp. Right then, the car stopped dead. “What happened…?” Asher’s voice was full of despair. “Useless trash! Do you even know how to drive?!” Lucia was furious. Seeing Asher’s pale face, I worried he might actually die in the car, so I stopped messing around and drove with more seriousness. The road was clear that time. So, we reached the nearest hospital in about ten minutes. Emergency staff rushed Asher inside. A young nurse asked, “What symptoms does the patient have?” “Oh! He used Crazy Glue instead of LaxaTube!” Amelia raised her hand like a schoolkid, answering proudly and cutely. “W-what?” The nurse froze, then hurried into the ER to tell the doctor. They were definitely going to need surgery. Soon, the emergency room became busy. Amelia and I sat in the hallway, both trying not to laugh. Meanwhile, Lucia paced back and forth in front of. Obviously, she was furious. Finally, she stopped and pointed at me with a trembling finger. “Mateo! Even if you’re jealous, you can’t go this far!” “What does this have to do with me? I'm just giving him LaxaTube like you asked!" I felt extremely wronged. “Oh, the cover was LaxaTube alright. But someone, clearly, switched the contents to Crazy Glue!” Lucia yelled before slapping my cheek. SLAP! I dodged and her slap landed straight on the metal IV stand beside the bench. Lucia was soft and delicate woman, so she yelped in pain immediately. “Don’t you dare threaten me. When I said, I didn’t do it, then that means I really didn’t do it,” I said. I continued, “But if you need to get some revenge. Fine, I’ll take you on!”

“I’ll go turn myself in. I’ll tell the police I’m the son-in-law of the richest family in Frostgale City.” I continued confronting Lucia. “And just tell the truth: you brought a man home and then you told me to buy LaxaTube… and--” Lucia cut me off in panic. “Shut up! If you dare say that to anyone, I'll make you suffer with my own hands!” Just like that, she quickly walked away. “She looks scared." Amelia asked like a curious child. "But why though? Does she have to be that scared?” “Well, LaxaTube turning into Crazy Glue is super weird, right? It will definitely go viral.” I continued, “Normally nobody cares about such silly news, but if it hits the trending list, people will dig into Lucia's past.” “Northwind Enterprises is a global company. If that kind of scandal gets exposed, what do you think will happen?” I let out an evil smile. “You are so bad,” Amelia said, finally understanding. “The company probably won’t be destroyed, but the board of directors will definitely attack her. Even my husband James will get attacked.” Suddenly, a nursed called, “Family of the patient, please come in!” Amelia and I went into the emergency room. There was a curtain, so we couldn’t see Asher. But boy, we surely hear him screaming. Then the doctor asked the family to sign the surgery form, because they needed to operate. That much was obvious since his butt was practically glued shut. “It’s strange,” the doctor explained seriously. “We found that the top part is still LaxaTube, but the bottom tube did contain Crazy Glue. Did you perhaps know something about this?” “So now the patient really needs to poop, but his rectum got glued shut. Hence he cannot do any of that.” “We must operate on him soon. If the patient kept holding it in and somehow it breaks something inside, he’s finished.” “Then do the surgery! I’ll sign!” I stepped forward. “Excuse me, you are the patient’s…?” the doctor asked. “Oh, he’s my wife’s best friend,” I explained. “They were playing in the bedroom, then he suddenly ran out. I was totally confused.” “I can prove it!” Amelia raised her hand. “I’m his mother-in-law!” “…Wow. Your family is really messy,” the doctor said, shocked. Anyway, I signed the form. Asher also agreed to it, so he went into surgery. After Amelia and I walked out of the room, we saw Lucia coming back. She saw us and thought Asher was dying, so she rushed over. “How’s Ash?!” she asked in worry. “The doctor said it’s good he got to the hospital early. Otherwise his stomach wouldn't be able to hold it in and Asher might break his rectum in the process. But, now he’s safe in the hospital.” Amelia lied smoothly. Lucia rolled her eyes hard, then glared at me. “Mateo, I always treated you well. Why did you do this?” “First, I didn’t do anything. Second, you did not treat me well," I protested. "My original yearly salary was over four hundred dollars before you made me move in as your stay at home husband. You controlled every cent I spent. I could only use 3000 dollars a month!” “Third, I don’t care if you mess around with strangers outside the house, but you brought someone home. You don’t treat me like a human. If you don’t treat me like a human, why should I act like one?” I stared at her coldly. All these years, I was suffocating. Many times, I wanted to escape everything even my parents and my sister just so I could be free. Yet, I never had the heart to do it. “You dare to shout at me?” Lucia was furious. “So what? Why can’t I shout? Are you some ancient Greek goddess that controls our vocal cords?” I yelled back. “You... You!” Lucia was so angry she couldn’t speak. “WAHAHAHAHA!” Amelia burst out laughing, holding her stomach and stomping the floor. “'A Greek goddess that controls vocal cords’, how did you even get to that?!”

“Mateo, this isn’t over!” Lucia looked at me with total disgust. “Get out! I don’t want to see you right now!” “Don’t be angry, honey. I heard if you get too angry, it can mess with your period cycle.” I pretended to be very worried. “Get out!” Lucia screamed. I glared at her for three seconds, before shouting back, “Fine! I’ll leave!” Then, I left the hospital with Amelia. *** On our way back home, Amelia laughed the entire time. We were still laughing even when we entered our villa. “What kind of behavior is this?!” James Northwind’s voice suddenly came from behind us. “That old bastard was supposed to be abroad. Why is he back?” I whispered. “Abroad my butt. He went to visit his secret illegitimate son,” Amelia whispered back. Then she added, “This is a huge secret in the family. I forgot to tell you. When that old geezer falls asleep, I’ll come to your room and spill more of the details.” A huge secret in the Northwind Family? Interesting. “It’s so late. Where did you two go?" James asked with a frown. “Oh, Asher was constipated and used Crazy Glue to deal with his issues. So we took him to the hospital,” I replied. “What? Why would someone constipated use Crazy Glue? Wouldn’t that… seal everything up?” James looked confused. “That’s exactly what happened,” I said with a serious face. “But I heard some people enjoy such… uh... pressure? Maybe he has some 'interesting' hobby.” James blinked. “No, wait. Asher was the one who went to the hospital, right. Why are you the one who take him there?” “Lucy brought him home. They went straight into my bedroom. Then Lucy suddenly said he was constipated and needed LaxaTube. I went to buy it, but it somehow turned out to be a Crazy Glue,” I said. “Dad, it really wasn’t me. But if you don’t believe me, fine. I’ll go turn myself in.” The more I spoke, the darker James’ expression became. “This is ridiculous! What is happening in this family?!” He stomped his foot, then pointed at me. “And you! She’s your wife! Can’t you control her behavior or somethign?” “Dad, would you let me control her?” I retorted. “If you give me permission, I’ll handle everything.” “If not, her bad reputation will sooner or later be used by the board of directors against you.” I looked him straight in the eye. “But Dad, if you really let me manage her, I guarantee Lucia will listen.” “Fine! Do it! Control her every move!" James shouted and walked away angrily. “Dear husband, should I accompany you?” Amelia asked softly. “No need.” James waved her away. Amelia sighed. “Three years of marriage and I still don’t know what kind of man he is.” “And why do you think he married you?” I asked, laughing. Not long after, Lucia came back. She didn’t stay with Asher. In fact, she didn’t seem worried about him at all. It was obvious she only cared about how to punish me. As soon as she entered the bedroom, she grabbed a leather whip. “Mateo, you bastard! I gave you a chance to get into our rich family and you still complain?” she added, “You even caused problems for me—do you want to die?!” “You brought a man home and somehow it’s MY fault?” I refused to back down. “You and I are not the same! Look at my status! Now, look at yours! You’re just a low-class nobody! You must accept whatever I do!” She screamed as she ran toward me while swinging the whip. But please, how fast can she be? Sure, I spent most of my days playing games with Amelia. But, other than that, I did consistent work outs!

I took one quick step forward and grabbed the whip right out of Lucia's hand. “Do you know the Lightning Five-Strike Whip moveset?” I gave her a wicked smile. “Ah!” Lucia screamed, holding her butt. “That’s for bullying me! That’s for treating me like I’m nothing! Today I’m going to beat the anger of all these years out!” My “Lightning Five-Strikes” carried all my frustration from the past. Lucia cried and yelled like her life was over from the pain. In the end, she crawled toward the door, clutching the carpet, shouting, “Dad! Daddy! Help! Mateo is going to kill me!” But James didn’t come. Maybe he was scared she would get exposed and give the board of directors more reasons to attack him. After more than an hour, Lucia was hiding in a corner, shaking. I was tired too. So, I went out to smoke and calm down. But when I came back, the bedroom door was locked from inside. “Mateo! Just wait! You’re so dead!” Lucia shouted, but she refused to open the door. Fine. Since I had nowhere else to sleep, I decided to go to the guest room. When I opened the door, I saw Amelia sitting on the bed, drinking some wine by herself. She had food everywhere on the bed, the spicy ones smelled amazing. “Whoa, you even have grilled chicken?” I sat down and started eating without hesitation. “And stamina booster skewers! These are great—nice and chewy.” Amelia handed me one and said, “I still don’t know what a ‘stamina booster skewer’ really is. The name sounds awesome though.” “It’s good stuff. Men’s power-up food.” I said, eating and drinking. Amelia then told me about James’ illegitimate son. Strangely, I slowly got drowzy and started to feel dizzy. Amelia felt strange too. Whenever I leaned closer, her eyes narrowed. In the end she even closed her eyes. We were about to kiss when she suddenly pushed me away. “No, no, we can’t.” Her face was bright red. “You’re right. We can’t.” I nodded and stood up. As I moved, something felt off with the floor. I squatted down and noticed one tile had a big gap from another. Without thinking, I used the metal skewer leftover to pry it. The tile lifted right up. Underneath it, I saw a small box. So I pulled it out and opened it up. Inside was a folder and a black-covered diary. “This is a ledger,” I said. Just one look and I knew that this could ruin James. “Matt… this is our information. There’s even our medical reports!” Amelia said in surprise.