Weight Can’t Bind My Youth

1 During puberty, I put on some weight, and my younger sister never let it go. "You look like a pig," she'd giggle. Mom lightly tapped her on the head. "Don't make mean jokes about your sister, sweetie!" One afternoon, I woke up from a nap just as the front door opened. My parents, older brother, and younger sister walked in together. They were all wearing matching outfits. Dad smiled at me apologetically. "We saw you were sleeping, so we didn't want to wake you. We went ahead without you." "Besides," he added casually, "you're too heavy right now. They don't make the family outfits in your size anyway, so it's better you don't wear one." The next day, our extended family hosted a massive party at a countryside lodge. That was when I found out the rule for the event: every single family had to wear matching outfits. I was the only one in the entire venue dressed normally. I stuck out like a sore thumb. … Later that afternoon, my sister tricked me into walking toward the back of the property, right by the actual pig pens. "You broke the party rules!" she squealed, locking the wooden gate behind me. "People who don't wear the family outfit don't get a room! You have to sleep with your own kind tonight!" The smell was overwhelming. A massive, muddy pig kept nudging my legs. Terrified and crying, I pulled out my phone and called Mom, Dad, and my brother. No one answered. Desperate, I recorded a short video of myself trapped in the pen and sent it to the family group chat, begging for help. Only Mom replied. It was a voice note, her tone soft and entirely unbothered. "Oh, did she do that? I'll give her a talking to later. We're busy taking the big family portrait right now. We'll come get you in a bit. If the pigs chase you, just run! Think of it as a workout." A pig shoved its snout into the back of my knees, knocking me into the dirt. My phone screen lit up. It was a new notification from Mom’s Instagram. It was a picture of my sister smiling on a tire swing. The caption read: My precious little princess~ One of our aunts commented jokingly: What about your other princess? Don't love her anymore? Mom replied quickly: She's too heavy. She'd break the swing. Mom... is that really why you don't love me? Just because I'm heavy? Sitting in the mud, something finally snapped. A profound, crystal-clear realization washed over me. I dialed my college advisor's number. "Professor," I said, my voice eerily calm. "That international exchange program you mentioned. I'll take it." Love is something you can only hope for, not demand. If I wasn't going to get it here, then I didn't want it at all. ... "Oh my god, Chloe, why do you smell so bad?" "Walk in the back, please. Don't stink up the whole group in front of your aunts and uncles." It wasn't until ten o'clock at night that someone finally let me out of the pig pen. My parents, my brother Liam, my sister Mia, and a dozen relatives strolled past me, laughing and chatting. They gave me a few half-hearted instructions to wash up before immediately changing the subject. Three different families were walking together, all wearing their perfectly matching outfits. It was blinding. "Yeah, Mia's a little troublemaker, she just loves messing with her older siblings. What can you do? She's the baby of the family, we have to spoil her!" Mom laughed, chatting with an aunt. "She's mischievous, sure, but her grades are amazing! Top ten in her class! And Liam, our oldest, he's getting his Master's at a state school, but hey, he got a full ride!" I trailed far behind the group, listening to Mom brag. I felt like a pathetic clown secretly observing someone else's happy family. I didn't even dare to walk closer. I was terrified the stench of my own misery would ruin their perfect evening. Months ago, I had earned a full academic scholarship for a Master's program, alongside an offer for a fully funded international exchange. I had been practically buzzing with excitement when I showed my parents the acceptance letters. Mom had kept scrolling on her phone. Dad hadn't looked away from the TV. "We already know you get good grades," Mom had said dismissively. "You don't need to announce it every time." Back then, I thought I just wasn't successful enough. But looking at Liam and Mia, I realized the truth. Even if they were mediocre, they would always be my parents' greatest pride and joy. "Oh, Chloe, what about you? I heard you're doing great in school too!" Back at the lodge, an aunt finally noticed me standing awkwardly in the corner of the living room. She reached out to grab my hand, but Mia quickly slapped her arm away. "Auntie, don't! She smells like a literal pig! Go take a shower, Chloe! You're grossing everyone out!" My face burned with humiliation. Mom gave Mia a gentle, scolding look. Dad ruffled Mia's hair, and Liam pinched her cheek affectionately. Not a single one of them offered a word of comfort to me. I kept my head down, rushing to the bathroom. When I came back out, showered and changed, I saw my parents handing out small gift bags to all the cousins in the living room. Even the oldest cousin, who was twenty-five, got a box of gourmet cookies. When it was my turn, Mom's hands were empty. She let out a small gasp. "Oh shoot! Mia's best friend tagged along today, so I gave yours to her." She waved her hand dismissively. "Cookies are high in calories anyway. Skipping them is good for your diet." Then, as if remembering something else, she patted my arm. "Oh, right. Since Mia's friend is here, we're short a bed. You'll have to sleep on the sofa in the living room tonight." Liam and Dad were sitting right there. They glanced over, then went back to their conversation. They were completely used to me giving up my space. That was just the reality of being Chloe. I was the middle child. I was expected to be the most understanding, yet I was given the fewest rights. It was the middle of summer, and the living room didn't have AC. I lay on the stiff leather sofa in my pajamas. The male relatives kept walking back and forth to the kitchen, their eyes lingering on me awkwardly. My clean clothes from home were all dirty, so I was stuck in my thin sleepwear. I curled into a tight ball, trying to protect myself from the stares. My phone buzzed. It was a text from my advisor. "Chloe, are you sure about this? You always talked about wanting to stay close to your family for your Master's." "Are you absolutely certain... you want to go abroad for three years?" The blue light of the screen illuminated my face. My expression was set in stone. In this life, I was done begging for love. The next morning, the adults were going fruit picking, while the kids were pairing up to ride bumper cars. Mia immediately threw a fit, pouting her lips. "I don't want to ride with Chloe! She's too big, she'll squash me! I want to ride with my best friend!" Mom sighed, immediately moving to placate her. "We only bought a set number of tickets! Fine, fine, you can go with your friend. Chloe can just stay in the lodge, okay?" Hearing this, Liam tossed his sweaty t-shirt at my face. "Oh, you're staying? Perfect. Wash this for me, will you?" Dad thought for a second. "Go pack up our bags in the rooms. It's a mess in there, and I don't want to leave anything behind when we check out." Nobody asked if I wanted to go. Nobody cared. Only my aunt gave me a pitying look before they all walked out the door. My phone buzzed again. "Chloe, you're deciding on this very late," my advisor texted. "You need to submit the application packet by the end of the day. Thankfully, you already have your passport and visa sorted from that summer program, so the school is expediting the paperwork." I looked at the dirty laundry Liam threw at me, and thought about the messy rooms Dad ordered me to pack. I let out a long breath. I called an Uber, and left the lodge entirely. My university highly valued my academic record. They had already pre-approved the full international scholarship. By the time I got back to our actual house in the city, it was late at night. My family had returned from the lodge a few hours prior. I kept the application documents hidden in my tote bag. I had no intention of telling them. Even if I did, they probably wouldn't care. Or worse, they'd stop me from going just so they wouldn't lose their live-in maid. Whatever their reaction might be, I didn't want to deal with it. I was trying to think of an excuse for why I had left the lodge early, but when I walked in, Mom just glanced up from her magazine. "The shower is free. Hurry up and use it." Liam was in his room playing games. Dad was on his laptop. None of them even asked why I had disappeared. Only Mia peaked her head out of the kitchen, looking mildly curious. "Chloe? Did you run away? Mom and Dad totally thought you ran away." My throat tightened. They thought I had run away... and they didn't even care enough to call? If Mia so much as stubbed her toe, they panicked. If Liam slightly furrowed his brow, they rushed to ask what was wrong and sent him money to cheer him up. I had nothing. Summer was officially starting, and my parents were planning a family vacation to Florida. Mia was trying on the new sundresses they bought her, looking miserable in the mirror, complaining that she looked bloated. Liam grabbed my arm and dragged me over to the mirror. "You're not fat at all! Look at Chloe! If she's not complaining, you have nothing to worry about." Mom immediately pulled out the digital scale, making me and Mia stand on it one after the other. Seeing the massive difference in our weights, Mia's mood instantly improved. My face was completely drained of color. Dad noticed my rigid posture. He gave my back a dismissive pat. "Go to your room if you're going to pout." As I walked down the hall, I heard Mom's voice, laced with faint concern. "Is she okay?" "She doesn't need to be coddled," Liam replied, sounding entirely indifferent. "She'll get over it by herself. Don't worry about it, Mom." I shut my bedroom door. A new email notification popped up on my phone. The exchange application was approved. The scholarship funds had been transferred to my student account. My advisor needed my passport details to book the flight. It was finalized. I was moving across the ocean. Knowing I was leaving made their coldness feel so much lighter. Once the flight was booked, I started packing. I ordered a few heavy-duty essentials online. Because I was hauling packages inside every day, Dad finally got suspicious. "What are you buying? That box is massive," he asked as I dragged a large carton through the front door. Before I could stop him, he grabbed a box cutter and sliced the tape. Inside was a large, hard-shell suitcase. My heart jumped into my throat. "What do you need a giant suitcase for?" he frowned. I opened my mouth, but my mind went blank. I had no excuse ready. My tote bag, which held all my international student documents, was sitting right next to the box. Dad’s eyes drifted toward it, and he reached out to open the flap. My heart hammered against my ribs. Was this it? Was he going to find out? Would he be angry? Would he... beg me not to go? "Chloe!" Mom’s voice pierced the air, stopping Dad in his tracks. She walked into the living room, took one look at the suitcase, and her face shifted into a look of awkward guilt. She softened her voice, putting on a gentle, placating tone. "Chloe, about the Florida trip... I think it's best if you stay home." She sighed, playing with her rings. "We're going to the mountains, doing a lot of hiking and ziplining. It’s a lot of steep walking. Honestly, at your size, I'm worried the safety harnesses won't even fit you. It’s too dangerous." "More importantly," she added quickly, "Mia's best friend really wants to come. We don't have enough hotel rooms. You understand, right?" Mia's friend happened to be sitting on the sofa. She walked over and grabbed my hand, looking apologetic. "Chloe, we can totally share a bed! It's fine! When we go out to the parks, you can just stay in the hotel room with the AC since your parents didn't buy you a ticket..." Her voice trailed off. She realized she had said the quiet part out loud. Even if she hadn't slipped up, I already knew. Whenever they used that gentle, 'discussing' tone with me, they had already made the decision. As the invisible child, the live-in maid, I had no right to choose. They were just giving me the illusion of a choice to save face. But with outsiders, they bent over backwards to accommodate them. I pressed my lips together. Suddenly, I didn't care anymore. I was leaving for three years. This was my final goodbye. "I... I wasn't planning on going to Florida anyway," I said quietly. "I'm going somewhere else." "I—" "Oh, perfect!" Mom interrupted, clapping her hands together, completely ignoring what I was trying to say. "I almost forgot! Today is the anniversary of the day Mia said her first word! Since her friend is here, let's have a little celebration!" Because it was a spur-of-the-moment idea, they hadn't bought any decorations. "Chloe, didn't you save up for months to buy that custom party dress? Let Mia wear it for the photos!" Before I could say a word, Mom pushed past me and walked straight into my bedroom. Because I had been secretly packing, my room was a disaster. As she opened the closet door, the draft caught the printed flight itinerary sitting on my desk, blowing it directly onto the floor. Mom looked down. Her eyes landed squarely on the flight ticket. One second. Two seconds. Three seconds. A cold sweat broke out on my back. "Why is your room such a mess? Papers are flying everywhere," she muttered. She bent down and picked up the itinerary. Without even glancing at the destination or the dates, she blindly placed it back on the desk. She grabbed my expensive custom dress from the closet and walked out. "Mia! Come try this on! Chloe is way too heavy for it now, so I'll pin the back so it fits you perfectly!" The living room lights were dimmed. A small cake with Mia's name iced on it sat on the coffee table. They had cast a home video to the TV, showing a tiny baby Mia babbling her first words. The whole family was ecstatic. Dad was wiping tears from his eyes, and Liam was cheering loudly. I didn't have a video like that. I barely had any baby pictures at all. Mia was born less than a year after me. The second she arrived, all of my parents' attention instantly transferred to her. Liam and Mia both knew what it felt like to be completely, unconditionally loved by our parents. I was the only one who didn't. I was unloved. Mia's friend's mom called to tell her it was time to come home. She had the phone on speaker. I could hear her parents' voices, soft, patient, and full of adoration. The girl whined playfully, complaining about having to leave early. Her parents responded to every word, coaxing her gently, trying everything to make her smile. Is that what love is? To me, love felt like a beautiful, decadent cake sitting behind a bakery window. It was stunning. It was so far out of reach. I didn't deserve it. I couldn't afford it. On the day of my flight, I dragged my suitcase through the living room. Mia was sitting at the mirror, touching up her makeup. Her friend had come over again, and they were whispering about school drama. Liam stretched lazily on the couch, then reached over and messed up Mia's hair, making her screech in annoyance. The two siblings started play-fighting, throwing pillows across the room. Suddenly, they noticed me standing by the door. Liam dropped the pillow. He looked at me with polite detachment, like he was talking to a distant acquaintance. "Do you need something?" I shook my head. No. I just realized that you two are the real siblings. You fight, you laugh, you act like family. To you, I'm just a stranger renting a room. Mom and Dad walked out of the master bedroom. Mom clapped her hands, beaming. "Alright kids, let's go! Florida, here we come!" Dad pulled a stack of thick envelopes from his jacket pocket. "Vacation funds for everyone!" he announced cheerfully. "When we have free time, go buy yourselves whatever you want!" He handed an envelope to Liam. One to Mia. And one to Mia's friend. I didn't get one. Dad didn't even look at me. He just skipped right over me. Mia frowned slightly, glancing at my heavy suitcase, but she kept her mouth shut. Click. The front door closed behind them. I let out a long, shaky breath. It was time to go to the airport. The terminal was incredibly loud. From a distance, I saw my advisor waving frantically. Standing next to him was a group of my classmates, holding up a hastily made banner. Bon Voyage, Chloe! I stopped dead in my tracks. "Look at you! You've lost so much weight!" my advisor said, frowning deeply as he looked me up and down. "Don't focus on dieting over there. Make sure you're eating proper meals." My classmates swarmed me, all talking over each other. "Chloe! Who's going to proofread my papers when you're gone?!" "You have to send me copies of your lecture notes!" "Drop your location as soon as you land! I'm coming to visit you over winter break!" I stared down at the tips of my shoes, my vision blurring. "I... I'm so heavy, and I'm so quiet," I stammered, my voice breaking. "I thought... I thought you guys didn't even like me..." The group went dead silent. Then, the class president slapped me on the shoulder. "Who cares about your weight? You give the best hugs! And what do you mean quiet? You're the most genuine, reliable person in our cohort. Everyone loves you, Chloe!" They all started laughing. I laughed too, though the tears were burning my eyes. My advisor handed me a plain white envelope. "Everyone chipped in. Buy yourself some good food on the layover. Don't you dare try to save this money, you hear me?" The envelope was thin. I knew there wasn't a massive amount of cash inside, but it felt a million times heavier than the envelopes Dad had handed out. I gripped it tightly against my chest and nodded. "I'm going now." I turned around. The light pouring through the security gates was blindingly bright. I dragged my suitcase forward, and I didn't look back once.