Husband of the Dead, Life of the Party

The day after my wife, Evie Sandoval, jumps into the river and commits suicide, her family, the Sandovals, hold a funeral for her. Upon hearing the news, I put on a bespoke suit and a red glittery tie, attending the funeral in full regalia. However, the moment I step inside, her parents begin hurling insults at me. "How dare you show your face, Michael Chandler! You murderer!" "If it hadn't been for you abusing her all these years, Evie would never have jumped into that river!" I simply smile at them and calmly pull out a Bluetooth speaker from my bag before blasting some disco music. "Come on, everyone! Shake your booty to the music with me!" Chapter 1 "Michael Chandler, you heartless bastard! How dare you show your face here? Give me back my daughter!" A middle-aged woman dressed in black grabbed me and began yanking at me frantically. She was my mother-in-law, Jasmine Cross, and it took a lot of force to pry her hand off my brand-new suit. "Don't even think about laying a finger on me," I said. "This suit is very expensive. If you tore it, you wouldn't even be able to pay for it, even if you sold your house." Jasmine's eyes were red and swollen by then, and her voice had gone hoarse. "You brute! You animal! I never should have let Evie marry you! Otherwise, she'd still be alive!" Her eyes were burning with murderous intent. She had a point, however. Back then, Evie Sandoval had ignored her family's protests and married me in secret, behind her parents' backs. But so what if that was true? It wasn't like I had forced her at gunpoint to marry me. "Look, Mom, don't you think that you're the one going too far here? Marriage is a matter of mutual consent. You can't just blame me for that." By then, Evie's father, Hank Sandoval, had arrived after hearing the commotion. "What the hell are you doing here, you murderer? Who said you could come? You're not welcome here! Get out, you bastard! Get out, now!" I ignored him and spotted the funeral bouquet laid out before the portrait. "You really don't know a thing about Evie, do you? She hated lilies. Didn't you know that?" I guess I was behaving a little too outrageously, because the friends and relatives who had come to offer their condolences began pointing and whispering about me. "Have you heard? This man abused poor Evie for years. She finally had enough and killed herself by jumping into the river." "That's right! I saw the body myself. That poor woman was covered head to toe in bruises and cuts. It was a really horrible sight." "The worst thing is that Evie was three months pregnant when she died! Doesn't that just make your blood boil?" The louder the gossiping and chatter around me got, the more excited I became. I continued dancing exaggeratedly to the music blaring from the speakers. Just then, someone in the crowd yelled, "Get him!" All at once, the Sandovals' friends and relatives began rushing over to hit me. "Don't move! Police!" Just when things were about to get ugly, a team of police officers rushed into the funeral home. When I saw that the officer leading the team was none other than Officer Dan Brewer himself, I even smiled and waved at him excitedly. "Officer Brewer! Over here! I was the one who called the police." When he heard me call his name, he frowned and said, "Mr. Chandler, I'd advise you not to cause any trouble at someone else's funeral. If not, the police won't be able to defend you either." I put on an aggrieved expression and pointed at the handful of people who had just charged at me. "But I wasn't the one causing any trouble. They were the ones who wanted to beat me up first." I then hurriedly hid behind Officer Brewer. "I just wanted to attend my wife's funeral, but they insisted on kicking me out." The second I said that, Hank immediately stepped out of the crowd and pointed at me, yelling, "You drove my daughter to her death! How dare you still speak of her like that? Get the hell out of here right now!" One of Evie's coworkers, Ned Jackson, suddenly appeared next to Hank and addressed the police. "Officer, this man abused his wife for years, eventually driving her to commit suicide by jumping into the river. You should arrest him." Officer Brewer took off his hat and looked at Evie's photo with a solemn expression. "About the domestic violence, we officially opened a case last night and are currently collecting evidence for the investigation." He paused and glanced at me. "We had also summoned Mr. Chandler to the station last night to assist in the investigations. However—" "However, I specifically requested permission to attend Evie's funeral today because she is my wife," I said, stepping out from behind him to finish his sentence, a wide grin on my face. Hank exploded the moment the words left my mouth. "You beast! How dare you still call Evie your wife? I will not allow you to call her that ever again!" He got increasingly agitated and sprayed spit all over my face. I hurriedly hid behind Officer Brewer once again. "I wasn't the one who told her to jump. Why can't I attend her funeral?" Chapter 2 "What the hell did you just say?" Hank roared. Seeing the situation was about to spiral out of control, Officer Brewer called for several other officers to escort me out. But I couldn't let that happen. After all, the funeral hadn't even started. How could I, as the deceased's husband, leave beforehand? More importantly, if I left now, then this whole getup would go to waste—especially the bespoke suit! I even had it custom-made a week in advance! "Officer Brewer, the funeral hasn't started yet. I can't leave now!" I exclaimed. He hesitated, and I quickly laid it on thick. "I'm sure it'll be fine, since you're here to ensure my safety, Officer Brewer." Just then, the funeral director called out from behind us. "It's almost time. Family members, kindly take your places." The Sandovals had always been the superstitious sort, the kind who believed that there was always an auspicious time and place for everything. They didn't want to miss the "auspicious" timing to start the funeral, so they could only leave me be for the time being. I silently followed Officer Brewer back into the funeral home. A short while later, the director began the service in a professional manner. "Before we begin, will the deceased's immediate family kindly take their places to my left." Family? That meant he was also referring to me, wasn't it? So, I straightened my tie and strode forward. However, I'd only taken a few steps when Hank glared at me and yelled, "Get out of here! You don't deserve to stand here!" I didn't lose my temper with him. I just remained standing next to him and said, "Are you sure you want to pick a fight with me in front of everyone here now, Dad? You'd better not be blaming me later if you miss your 'auspicious' timing." Hank cracked his knuckles at that, but he didn't try kicking me away again. Evie had been an only child, so it was just Hank, Jasmine, and me standing to the left of the funeral director. There was the eulogy afterward, and everyone who came up to give their speech would always give me a nasty look before addressing the audience. However, my greatest virtue was my magnanimity, after all, and I simply responded to everyone with a huge smile. I even blew kisses at a couple of them. "Evie Sandoval, born August 7, 1999. Passed away January 3, 2024, at just 25 years old… "Looking back on her life, it was brilliant yet fleeting and regrettable. She was a good, kind soul, respectful of her parents, kind to her coworkers, and loyal to her family—" "Pfft." A sudden burst of laughter erupted in the previously silent hall. Everyone immediately turned to look at me, and I quickly covered my mouth to stifle my laughter. "Sorry. Just thought of something funny and couldn't help it. Don't mind me. Please, continue." I then stood perfectly straight again in my spot. However, the service couldn't just continue like that, especially for the Sandovals, who were extremely superstitious. As expected, Hank suddenly got in my face, practically shaking with rage. "Michael Chandler, you are not walking out of this building alive if you don't properly explain yourself right now!" I gave him my most innocent look. "What do you want me to explain, Dad?" "You're just here to cause trouble for us, aren't you? You're happy that Evie is dead!" Jasmine said, stepping forward and pointing her finger at my nose. "Do you have no conscience? How dare you cause trouble at her funeral after driving her to suicide!" I took a sip of water and explained patiently to her, "You're overthinking it, Mom. I really just thought of something funny earlier and couldn't hold myself back." Unexpectedly, the moment I finished speaking, I became the target of everyone's anger and frustration. Insults flew from every direction, and suddenly, Evie's funeral turned into something akin to a bustling farmer's market filled with gossiping middle-aged women. Seeing that I'd achieved my goal, I slowly took out my phone and made a call. "Hello, Dr. Brooks? Are you here yet?" Chapter 3 "I'm at the entrance of the venue now, Mr. Chandler. I'll be right there," Steve Brooks said. A short while later, several doctors in white coats found me in the crowd. "Thank you so much for your great contributions to the medical field, Mr. Chandler. Please allow me to thank you on behalf of all the doctors in our field." I brushed my hair back and shook Steve's hands. "There's no need to be so polite. After all, Evie's already dead, so there's no point in keeping her anyway." Hank and Jasmine were completely taken aback by this sudden turn of events. After a few seconds of stunned silence, Hank finally reacted. "And who the hell are you?" he shouted. "What are you doing at my daughter's funeral?" Steve was just about to reply when I suddenly smacked myself on the forehead and exclaimed, "Oh man, I completely forgot to inform you and Mom about this! "So here's the thing. I told Dr. Brooks to collect Evie's body today, since she still has organs that could be donated." As I talked, I pulled out a copy of the documents for organ donation that I'd prepared beforehand. "I've just been so busy it slipped my mind. You're not going to hold that against me, right?" "What?" "What?" Both Hank and Jasmine were bewildered. "Who gave you permission to take Evie's body away?" Hank shouted. "And you! You're a doctor! Don't you know that organ harvesting and trafficking are crimes?" Hank and Jasmine glared daggers at Steve like they wanted to rip his head off. Seeing things escalate, I hurriedly shielded him behind me. "I was the one who asked him to come. I am Evie's husband, and I have all the right to deal with her body after her death." Yet, the moment I was done speaking, Hank threw himself over Evie's casket and growled, "I dare any of you to lay a finger on my Evie! I am her father! Nobody is allowed to touch her without my permission!" The rest of the Sandoval relatives were moved to tears by this scene, thinking that Hank was such a loving father who held Evie preciously close to his heart. Even Steve was a little taken by surprise. He turned to me and asked, "Mr. Chandler, didn't you tell me on the phone that your wife was an orphan? Who are these two elderly people, then?" I patted him on the shoulder and asked him to be patient. Then, I grabbed the microphone and said, "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Michael Chandler, Evie Sandoval's husband." I waited until everyone's attention was on me before continuing. "Today is a great—I mean, a very sad day for all of us. My wife, Evie Sandoval, has left us forever. However…" I purposely dragged out the last word before continuing, "As her husband, I had a sudden bold thought last night. I've decided to donate my wife's organs to the hospital for research. That way, Evie will continue shining brightly in this world and contribute to society!" There was a moment of stunned silence. Then, the entire hall erupted in roars of disbelief. Everyone who attended the funeral was Evie's good friends, and they all glared at me angrily like I was their sworn enemy. Hank and Jasmine, standing close by, were particularly furious at me too. "He's worse than an animal! Is there no more law and order in this world? How could he be so heartless!" "His wife just killed herself last night, and he's already thinking about donating her organs to science today? Is he a pervert or what?" "Officers, what are you waiting for? Are you not going to arrest him? Is there no law against what he's doing?" I was quickly drowned in the sea of curses and insults, and nobody wanted to hear what I had to say next. In fact, a couple of hotheaded young men began throwing glass bottles at me, and I only managed to duck in time thanks to my quick reflexes. Out of desperation, I had no choice but to use Officer Brewer as my shield once again. I ran to him and yelled, "Officer Brewer! Save me!" However, I didn't expect that even he wanted nothing to do with me. The look he gave me was enough to raise the hair on the back of my neck. "Michael Chandler, I swear that I will find evidence of your domestic abuse and lock you up for life." With no one to help me, I could only try to hide as I ran away from the angry crowd. Ultimately, I climbed onto Evie's casket to evade their fury. "Nobody move! Or I'll toss her right out of here!" Everyone froze, the color draining from their faces. Even Hank, who had been snarling and chasing after me the most ferociously just now, calmed down and tried to reason with me. "Get down from there, Michael. I promise I won't harm you again." I scanned the crowd until my gaze landed on a familiar figure. "Who threw the first glass bottle at me? Come out!" Seconds later, Ned stood out from the crowd and sneered. "It was me. So, what are you going to do about it?" I narrowed my eyes and chuckled coldly. "I heard that you're Evie's coworker. Your name's Ned Jackson, right?" Ned glared back at me, just as defiant. "Yup, that's me. I've hated you for a long time, Michael Chandler." I didn't get riled up. Instead, I continued asking him, "I also heard from the police that you were the one who called them after Evie jumped into the river. Is that right?" I'd just returned from a business trip overseas last night when I was suddenly detained and taken away by the police. They told me later that it was because they'd received a police report against me, accusing me of abusing Evie. "What, you dare to abuse Evie at home but don't dare to admit to it in public? And you're not going to let us call the police on you for that either?" Although Ned was standing below the platform, his voice was still as loud and booming as though he were speaking through a megaphone. I looked down on him. "It's fine. You just needed to admit it." Then, I changed the topic and demanded, "So, spill it. When did you start sleeping with my wife behind my back?"