All the Love That Never Landed

The day my exam results came in, I called out toward the living room the way I always used to. "Mom, Dad, I got a perfect score! I can go to a university in Kingsgate and be with Gary and Callum!" Silence was the only answer. On the couch sat four little plush dolls. They were Dad, Mom, my brother Gary Sheridan, and Callum Ward, the boy I had grown up with. Their round, stitched eyes stared back at me the way they had on countless other nights, keeping me company in silence. That was when I remembered. A year ago, my sister, Blythe Sheridan, had gotten sick. They said it was my fault, that my grades had been too good, that the pressure had nearly driven her to kill herself. That was why I became the person the family needed to hide, and they sent me to this rented room. The first night after I moved in, the drunkard next door pounded on my door by mistake. I hid under the blankets, too terrified to make a sound, too scared to even cry. All I could do was call my parents, my brother, and Callum over and over again. However, the only thing that I got was the cold, flat tone of a busy signal. Chapter 1 It was almost dawn when Mom finally sent a single message. [Stop calling. Blythe gets upset just seeing your number come up.] After that, I made four little dolls in their likenesses. They kept me company at meals and at bedtime. They listened when I talked about every small improvement, and they listened when I needed to say the sad things I had no one else to tell. Yet as the tears fell now, I did not reach for them. After walking alone in the dark for so long, I had finally found the courage to stop looking back. I stood there and looked around the apartment properly for the first time in the year I had lived there. The paint was peeling in patches, exposing the pale gray concrete underneath. The curtains had been washed so many times that they had gone stiff, and the edges still carried mildew stains that would not come out. The old air conditioner overhead rattled and hummed, but the only thing it blew out was warm air. During the hottest months of exam prep, I sat at the desk and worked through practice tests every day. By the time I finished a single paper, I would have sweated enough to need two showers. However, the Sheridan family was not poor. My parents, Gary, and Blythe all lived in a sprawling apartment in the city center that was well over 3,000 square feet. Blythe had her own study and her own music room. Even her collectibles and merchandise had a room of their own. When they sent me away, Mom had only frowned and said, "It's just a year at most. There's no need to rent anything too nice. Once your exams are over, we'll bring you home." Yet more than two weeks had passed between the last exam and today's results, and not a single one of them had mentioned bringing me home. I lowered my eyes and was about to put the four dolls away when a message from Mom came through. [Darcy, come home later. We need to talk about your college applications.] I stared at those words, feeling my heart stir despite myself. Maybe they still remembered me, after all. I rushed downstairs without a second thought. Taking the bus would take too long, so for the first time, I let myself splurge and called a cab. When I pushed the front door open, the living room was full of voices and laughter. My parents were there, and so were Gary and Callum Ward. Blythe sat in the middle of them all with four beautifully wrapped gifts laid out in front of her. Mom stroked her hair, her voice impossibly gentle. "You did so well this time, sweetheart. Our Blythe scored high enough for schools in Kingsgate too." Gary laughed. "She's coming to Lockwood, obviously. I'm the one who tutored her in math. Do you know how much time I put in this past year? If she doesn't end up at my school, that's just wrong." Callum frowned. "No way. I'm the one who pulled her literature grade up. If she's going anywhere, it should be Stratton." The two of them argued like they were fighting over the most precious thing in the world, and neither would give an inch. I stood in the entryway like a thief who had wandered into the wrong house. It took a long time before Mom finally noticed me. The smile on her face faded a little. "Oh, Darcy. You're here." The laughter in the living room stopped dead. Blythe shot me a cold look, gathered the gifts into her arms, and turned back to her room. The rest of them just looked at me, uncomfortable. Gary was the first to speak. "What are you standing there for? Come sit down." I walked over in silence and sat down on the armchair at the far edge. Dad cleared his throat. "Did your results come in?" I nodded. "Yeah." "What did you get?" I was about to answer when Mom cut in, "Let's not talk about scores right now. That's not what matters." She avoided my eyes, looking a little guilty. "The reason I asked you to come home is to talk about where you're applying. Don't apply to any schools in Kingsgate. Blythe spent an entire year catching up just to get where she is now. If you end up in the same city, she'll probably have another breakdown." My fingernails dug slowly into my palms. The pain crept up, dull and distant. They knew perfectly well that the best universities in the country were in Kingsgate, but for the sake of sparing Blythe even the possibility of unhappiness, they wanted to throw away my future without a second thought. I turned to Dad, still unwilling to give up. His face said it all. "Just listen to your mother. Things have finally settled down at home. Don't stir everything up again." I looked at Gary. He frowned, his tone matter-of-fact. "Crestfield has plenty of good schools. Just go there. It's closer to home." Finally, I looked at Callum. He kept his eyes down, unable to look at me. It was a long time before he spoke, his voice low. "Darcy, you've always been smart. You'll do well no matter where you go. But Blythe is different. She needs people looking after her." Chapter 2 Smart. It was the word I had heard more than any other for as long as I could remember. Blythe was prettier than I was and had a more endearing personality. The only thing I had going for me was being smart. I could read a textbook once and have it memorized. I could glance at a problem and understand it immediately. Yet my parents had never loved me more for it. Gary was smart too, and they were proud of him for it. When it came to me, all it ever earned was a weary sigh from Mom. "What does a girl need to be that smart for? It'd be better if she were more like Blythe. A little slower, a little sweeter. That's what's lovable." Eventually, that line became everyone's justification for playing favorites. They all said I was smart and could take care of myself, so the best food went to Blythe first. The new dresses went to Blythe first. Even our parents' affection went to Blythe first. The same quality that made Gary someone to be proud of had become, in my case, the very reason I did not deserve to be loved. Then, I met Callum, who was one year ahead of me at school. Back then, he had not met Blythe yet. When I told him all of this, he just frowned and said, "Being loved more because you're slow? What kind of logic is that? Darcy, being smart isn't something to be sorry for." Later, he met Blythe too. More than once after that, I caught him laughing in spite of himself. "Your sister isn't the sharpest, but she's kind of cute." I still liked Callum though, because he was the first person who ever told me that being smart was not a fault. Now, however, even he was saying the same thing as the rest of them. The living room went quiet for a moment. Gary was the first to lose patience, rapping his knuckles against the coffee table. "Darcy, say something already. Mom and Dad are doing this for the family. It's not like they're trying to hurt you." I kept my eyes down, my throat blocked by something I could not swallow down. After a long silence, I managed a quiet "Okay." Everyone finally relaxed. As if on cue, they each produced a bag from behind them. "Come on, don't look so miserable. These are your graduation gifts. Blythe got hers, and you're getting yours, so don't go saying we play favorites." I looked at the four gifts in front of me, and the sting behind my eyes only got worse. What were these supposed to be? They first hurt me, then handed me consolation prizes? Besides, I had seen it all clearly just minutes ago. The gifts in front of Blythe had been the newest phone, a laptop, a limited-edition bag, and concert tickets she had been wanting for months. What they handed me was a fountain pen, a book, a plain canvas tote, and a dress with the price tag already cut off. I took the gifts and stood up to leave. "Darcy." Mom stopped me, hesitating before she asked, "Do you want to stay for dinner?" I lowered my head with a bitter smile. This was supposed to be my home too, but even having a meal here was something I had to be invited to 'stay' for. I swallowed past the lump in my throat and shook my head. "No, I'm fine." Once I was out the door, I threw all four gifts into the garbage bin by the building entrance. On the bus ride back, I scrolled past a new social media post from Blythe. [The annoying one finally left. Now, we can actually enjoy dinner.] The photo showed my parents, Gary, and Callum sitting around the dining table, which was loaded with crab, shrimp, oysters, and five other dishes. Everything was seafood, which would send me into a severe allergic reaction. At that moment, I was almost glad I had not stayed. If I had, the only thing I would have been able to eat from that entire table was plain pasta. Back at the apartment, I started packing. In the living room, I turned the plush dolls around to face the wall, like children being made to stand in the corner. At the most visible spot on my desk was a postcard pinned under a book. Callum had given it to me before he even knew Blythe existed. It showed the lake on Stratton's campus, and in the bottom corner was his messy handwriting. 'Darcy, I'll be waiting for you at Stratton.' I looked at it for two seconds, pulled it out, and tore it in half. Chapter 3 The next day, I went to my part-time job at the milkshake shop as usual. My regular task was to wear the mascot costume and hand out flyers in front of the mall. The midday sun was brutal, and the heavy suit was suffocating. When I could not take it anymore, I pulled off the headpiece and crouched in a corner to drink some water. "Darcy?" A familiar voice came from behind me. My hands went still, and I turned around. My parents, Gary, Callum, and Blythe were all standing a short distance away. Even Callum's parents were there. Gary and Callum had their hands full of shopping bags. There was no need to guess who they were for. Mom saw me drenched in sweat, but there was not a trace of concern in her eyes, only embarrassment and anger. "Darcy, have I not been giving you money? You're out here dressed like this, handing out flyers. Are you trying to make people think we mistreat you?" My grip on the water bottle tightened. "You give me 1,000 dollars a month, and 800 of that goes to rent. If I don't pick up work on the side, how am I supposed to get by?" Gary frowned and shoved me hard. "Who do you think you are, talking to Mom like that?" Callum stood beside Blythe, his expression conflicted. When he finally spoke, it came out like a lecture. "Darcy, you're always so quick to take things the wrong way. Blythe only gets a thousand dollars a month too, and whenever it's not enough, she just tells your mom and your mom always sends more. You never said anything, so, of course, she assumed you were fine. This one's on you. You should apologize." I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. Blythe's thousand dollars arrived on time every month, sometimes even early. I had to chase my allowance down again and again, only for it to be dragged out week after week. When it finally showed up, it was treated like a handout. If I asked for more, would I even get it? I already knew the answer. Even if I said all of this out loud, the only thing I would get back was more blame for being ungrateful and difficult. Hence, I kept my face blank, picked the headpiece back up, and said, "Just go. Don't hold up my shift." The heavy mascot head came down over me, and everything went dark. A second later, someone shoved me hard from behind. "Don't you dare be mean to Mom!" The headpiece was bulky enough that even a light bump would leave a dull ache. This was more than a bump. I pitched forward, and my forehead cracked against the hard inner shell. My vision went black. I braced myself against the wall and could not recover for a long time. Not a single one of them came to check on me. Mom grabbed Blythe's hand first, her voice anxious. "Sweetie, does your hand hurt?" Gary frowned too. "She's wearing all that padding. Why would you push her? What if you had hurt yourself?" Callum murmured to Blythe softly, "It's okay. Nobody's blaming you." While they were all crowded around Blythe, I staggered away. My face was wet. I could not tell whether it was from sweat or tears. By the time my shift ended that evening, my forehead was swollen and there was a large bruise. At least it was payday. I took the 300 dollars in cash I had just been handed and headed to the food stalls. All I wanted was something hot to eat and a cold drink to wash it down. Just thinking about it, I could almost taste it already. My mouth watered, and I felt a smile cross my face for the first time all day. Yet the moment I handed over the bills, the vendor grabbed my wrist. "Where'd you come from, kid?" He held up the cash, his expression dark. "You look like a nice girl. What are you doing with stuff like this? Tell me, where'd you get this counterfeit money?" Chapter 4 For a moment, I thought the vendor was trying to scam me. However, he slapped the bills down on the counter, and a crowd gathered fast. Someone held them up to the light. Someone else rubbed the paper between their fingers. They all shook their heads. "They're fake." That night, I sat outside the mall entrance with a stack of counterfeit bills in my arms and did not move until morning. The moment the milkshake shop opened the next day, I stormed in and threw the money on the counter. "You paid me with counterfeit money? This is fraud. I'm calling the police." The owner did not look worried at all. "I didn't put that money together. Your mother came in yesterday and collected your pay before you did. She left me these to give you instead. She said it was to teach you a lesson, to make you understand that earning money isn't easy." My head rang like a bell had gone off inside it. I rode the bus home with numb hands and feet. The second I walked through the door, I looked at her with red-rimmed eyes. "Did you take my paycheck?" Mom did not look guilty in the slightest. If anything, she looked pleased with herself. "Now you know money doesn't come easy, don't you? Remember, your parents are the ones who are always going to be there for you. When something goes wrong, the first thing you should do is come home to your family. Or go to Callum. That works too." I was shaking all over, and the tears would not stop. It was not as if I had never tried. When I was followed home by a group of thugs, I hid inside a convenience store and called them in a panic. Dad only said, "Why would they follow you and nobody else? What did you do?" When the air conditioner in the apartment only blew hot air and I could not sleep through the heat, I begged them to replace it. Mom said, "Don't be so delicate. If you can't handle a little discomfort, how are you ever going to amount to anything?" The week before exams, I came down with a fever of 103 and called Gary in a haze. All he said was, "Blythe's in a bad mood today. Just take some medicine and stop being so dramatic." Another time, the power went out in the middle of the night. I pressed myself into the corner of the wall and sent Callum dozens of messages. He did not reply for a long time. When he did, it was: [Lock the door. I'm tutoring Blythe tonight. Stop messaging me.] Every single time I needed them, where had any of them been? I could not hold it in anymore. "Give me my money back! That's my paycheck! I earned it myself!" Dad's expression went dark. He crossed the room in two strides, grabbed me by the arm, and shoved me toward the door. "All you ever care about is money! That's all you ever talk about when you come home! Do you have any idea how much we've spent raising you? Forget 300 dollars. We've spent ten times that and more! "I used to think you were smart, but now, I see you're just calculating. All you see is dollar signs!" The door slammed shut in my face. I turned around with tears streaming down my cheeks. The elevator doors opened right then, and Gary, Callum, and Blythe stepped out together. Blythe held up a small hair clip between her fingers, wrinkling her nose. "Something this tiny costs 300 dollars?" Gary laughed. "If you like it, it's worth every cent. Even 3,000 dollars wouldn't be too much." Callum added gently, "Didn't your mom just give you 50,000 dollars as a reward? She gave it to you so that you'd spend it. Don't hold back." I stood in the shadows, and the tears fell harder. I woke up before dawn every morning. I stood under the blazing sun for eight hours a day in that mascot suit. The 300 dollars I earned for an entire month of that was how much Blythe had spent on a single hair clip without thinking twice. I did not want them to see me like this. I fled down the emergency stairwell, and by the time I reached the ground floor, my tears had finally run dry. After my exam results came out, a few parents tracked me down and asked me to tutor their children. I agreed, but I had one request. "Can you pay me by bank transfer?" They seemed puzzled, but they said yes. After that blowup, my parents, Gary, and Callum all seemed to have silently agreed not to reach out to me. I did not reach out either. I stopped being sad about it. I just prepared my lessons, taught my students, and saved my money, day after day. The day my acceptance letter arrived, I cooked two dishes for myself. Then, for the first time in a while, I took the four little dolls back out and set them across the table from me, the way I used to. "Let's call this my farewell party before I start university," I said to them. "It'll be the last meal we share." I looked into their round, stitched eyes and smiled softly. "You don't have to keep me company anymore. From here on out, I'll walk the rest of the way on my own." After dinner, I cleaned the apartment until it was spotless. Then, I pulled my suitcase behind me and left the place I had been living in alone for an entire year. I did not go to Kingsgate, but I did not go to Crestfield, which was where they had planned for me, either. Instead, I went further south, to Halford University. Just before the train pulled out of the station, a message popped up in the family group chat that had been silent for weeks. Mom had sent a photo of Blythe's acceptance letter. [Blythe got into a school in Kingsgate! Darcy, you got your Crestfield letter too, right? Let's find a time to have a celebratory dinner together.] Gary followed up right away: [Stop sulking already. The whole family needs to be there.] Then, Callum sent: [I'll come pick you up.] I stared at the messages for a long time. I did not reply. I left the group chat. Outside the window, the platform began to slide slowly backward. I turned off my phone and leaned back in my seat. From here, the road stretched on for a thousand miles, and I would not be turning back.