Never Whole Again

I begged my husband 304 times before he finally agreed to spend a birthday with our seriously ill daughter. We waited until the cake on the table melted and the warmth slowly left our daughter’s body, but he never showed up. Then, his first love shared a photo on social media. In it, my husband had one arm around her and the other holding her child. Behind them stood a towering birthday cake display. Our daughter had waited five years for a birthday cake that never came. Yet another child received it without even trying. The caption read: The promised tiered cake is finally here! I quietly liked the post. Soon after, he texted me, demanding an explanation. [How many times do I have to tell you? Miranda’s daughter is dealing with depression, and I need to be there for her. Don’t call me unless it’s urgent.] I looked down at the child in my arms, whose body had gone completely cold. “Alright,” I said softly. “I won’t do that again.” Chapter 1 Three days after our daughter Bonnie died, I ran into my husband, Sean Gower, at the hospital in the early hours of the morning. He was carrying Miranda Larkin’s daughter, Kelsey Larkin. As he rushed toward the emergency room, shouting for a doctor, he kept glancing back to comfort the crying Miranda. He looked every bit like a devoted husband and a caring father if one ignored the fact that he had no blood relation to the child. His reckless dash through the narrow hallway left several people injured. It was only after Kelsey was taken into the examination room that Sean went around apologizing to everyone with Miranda. The last trace of apology vanished from his face when he saw me getting up from the floor. He looked at me with open disgust. “What are you doing here? Are you following us?” Perhaps the pain of losing Bonnie had already numbed my heart so completely that I could no longer react to his mockery. When I did not respond, Miranda stepped forward and linked her arm through Sean’s. She looked at me apologetically. “Sorry, Phoebe. Sean’s just too worried about Kelsey, so his tone might’ve come off a little harsh.” She then nudged Sean in mock reproach. “Phoebe came all the way to the hospital. Go on and keep her company. Don’t worry. I’ll stay with Kelsey and take care of her.” Sean frowned, and his tone was laced with displeasure. “How can you manage this on your own? Kelsey isn’t a little kid anymore. It’s too much trouble for you to be running around with her. “Don’t worry. I’ll stay here with you today. I’m not going anywhere.” After that, he shot me a warning glance, like a father wholly devoted to protecting his child. “It’s one thing to like a post, but you even followed us all the way to the hospital and left our child at home alone! Is this how you act as a mother?” I clutched the death certificate as the hollow ache in my chest returned. Bonnie had spent a full month begging Sean before he finally agreed to spend a birthday with her. It had only taken him a minute to break his promise. Before he left the house, I had swallowed my grief and told him the truth. “Bonnie’s leukemia has reached its final stage, and she doesn’t have much time left. This is her last birthday—” Sean cut me off impatiently before I could finish. “Are you done, Phoebe? It’s always leukemia and the final stage. You’ve been repeating the same story for more than two years now. “I’ve already set up a birthday party for Kelsey. If you insist on celebrating Bonnie’s birthday, just wait two more days. I’ll make it up to her when I have time.” With that, he strode away without looking back. That night, Bonnie cried until her condition worsened, and she passed away soon after. I held her as her body went cold, calling Sean over and over again. It was only after I saw Miranda’s post on social media that I finally gave up completely. Chapter 2 While his own daughter lay in the cold hospital morgue on her birthday, her father was holding his first love’s daughter as they blew out the candles on a towering tiered cake. What a cruel irony! When I did not react, Sean was about to continue his tirade when the examination room door opened. Concern immediately replaced the anger on Sean’s face. He rushed over and scooped Kelsey into his arms. “It’s nothing serious. She just inhaled some smoke and developed a slight cough. Make sure she drinks plenty of water when she gets home.” Miranda gave Sean a light, reproachful smack on the arm. “Look at you, making such a fuss! Feel better now?” Sean pulled her close and held her tightly, clearly savoring the moment. “I was just worried sick. When it comes to you and Kelsey, even the smallest thing is a big deal to me.” As I watched the fireworks still blooming in the distance, a flood of bitterness rose in my chest. Sean was willing to spend a week planning Kelsey’s birthday party. He was even willing to spend two weeks arranging a full fireworks display for Miranda, but could not spare even an hour to come home for our daughter’s birthday. He was too busy for that. Sean noticed the paper clenched tightly in my hand and instinctively assumed it was a medical report. “How’s Bonnie? Is she feeling any better?” he asked casually. I curled my lips into a faint smile. My voice was devoid of any emotion. “Bonnie’s doing very well. She’ll never get sick again.” Sean nodded and said absentmindedly, “That’s good. Go and stay with her. I’ll finish up here and come home to see her later.” I said nothing. But the moment I turned around, tears streamed down my face. I wondered if Sean would regret everything if he knew that he had no more chances to try to keep his promises. The house was eerily quiet. Never again would it echo with Bonnie’s laughter. I had no idea how long I sat there before the sound of the front door shattered the silence. The sudden flood of light left me briefly disoriented. Sean was back. The moment he stepped inside, he was calling Miranda and Kelsey to announce he had arrived safely. I held the box tighter and asked hoarsely, “You’re not staying with them?” Sean had not expected me to be in the living room. He cleared his throat awkwardly. “Yes. Kelsey doesn’t like staying in the hospital, so I’ve arranged for a private doctor to take care of her.” When Bonnie was at her weakest, I had suggested bringing in a private doctor to care for her. Sean had firmly refused and said, “Kids aren’t that delicate. If they’re sick, they need to go to the hospital. Going over the top is unnecessary.” But it seemed he had arranged a doctor for Kelsey without hesitation. In the past, I would have argued with him and accused him of being biased. This time, however, I simply listened and nodded lightly when he finished. “Mm. That makes sense.” Sean glanced at me in surprise. He reached for the cup on the table, only to find it empty when he lifted the lid. Bonnie had always prepared a warm drink to soothe his stomach whenever he arrived home. The little girl who had not yet learned how to love herself properly had learned how to show affection toward her father. Sean set the cup aside and glanced toward the children’s room before speaking slowly. “Kelsey needs a good environment to recover. I’m planning to have them move in here.” He paused, seemingly observing my expression. “Once she recovers, I’ll move them elsewhere.” I had expected Sean to arrange a separate property for Miranda and Kelsey, but I never imagined he would bring them back here. Bonnie had barely been laid to rest, yet he was already bringing his first love and her child into this house. Chapter 3 This was ridiculous! A mocking smile curved on my lips as I looked at him. “You’re asking me to live under the same roof as her?” Sean avoided my gaze. He handed me a black card and said in an unusually gentle tone of voice, “Just for now… take Bonnie and move out. Once they leave, I’ll bring you back.” I let out a quiet laugh. I could not believe that a husband would say such things. He was asking his wife to move out so he could live with his first love. How was that even appropriate? The pain of my nails digging into my palm reminded me that those were indeed his words. When I did not reach for the card, Sean’s expression turned oddly strained. In the past, I would have taken any money he gave me without hesitation. Whether it was a few thousand or tens of millions of dollars, I never turned it down. He had always believed I was someone who could be dismissed with money. Little did he know that Bonnie’s treatments required imported medication. Each bottle cost tens of thousands of dollars. Every month, the bills kept piling into my hands like an unending stream. It felt like a relentless gamble that devoured money. When the funds ran out, so did life. But there was no need for that anymore… I stood up, still holding the box. Under his hesitant gaze, I gave him the answer he wanted to hear. “Alright.” Sean studied me with a complicated look on his face, as if he could not believe someone as insatiably demanding as I would agree so easily. “Do you have any other conditions?” After a moment’s thought, I decided to ask something on Bonnie’s behalf. “Do you still mean what you said before about making it up to Bonnie?” Sean let out a breath of relief and smiled. “Of course! Just pick a date. I’ll definitely be there, and I’ll also grant whatever birthday wish she has this time.” I forced a small smile. “Great. Let’s make it three days from now.” Three days later would mark the seventh day since Bonnie’s passing. I hoped Sean would not break his promise this time. That morning, I was discussing divorce proceedings with my lawyer when Sean called. “Have you decided where you’re going to stay? I can have someone help you move your things over.” I let out a bitter chuckle. He was so eager to bring Miranda and Kelsey into the house that he could not even wait until the morning was over. I hung up and looked at my lawyer. “File for divorce as soon as possible. I don’t want to drag this out any longer.” Ten minutes later, I placed the divorce agreement into my bag and drove back to the villa. Scattered across the front steps were photographs of all sizes. Every one of them had been taken during the years Sean and I were in love. Footprints, some deep and some faint, had trampled the faces of two people once in love until they were smeared and distorted. I took a deep breath and stepped over them. Inside the villa, Miranda was directing the cleaners to throw everything downstairs. Several black garbage bags had been tossed carelessly onto the floor outside the children’s room. Through a tear in the plastic, I caught sight of a battered stuffed doll. A sharp ache spread through me, as though tiny needles were pricking at my heart and aggravating my already frayed nerves. I had made that doll from one of Sean’s discarded shirts, and Bonnie had carried it everywhere for three years. She said that as long as she hugged it, she could feel her father’s presence and knew that he loved her. I regretted making that doll. If it had never existed, Bonnie would not have been lulled by false hope in her father. At least then, Sean’s harsh words would not have upset her so much to the point of worsening her condition. “You still haven’t decided what you want to take with you?” Chapter 4 I pulled the stuffed doll out of the bag and threw it into the trash can. “I’ve decided to take Bonnie’s stuff with me. Everything else… you can just get rid of it.” I no longer wanted this home or this man. Sean stared at the doll in silence for a long time. When he finally spoke, his voice trembled. “Phoebe, don’t do this out of anger. Just give me an address—” I shook my head and turned to leave. “There’s no need. Since she likes my things so much, she can have them all.” A flicker of panic crossed Sean’s face. For a moment, he thought I meant Miranda could have him as well. He was about to chase after me when a loud crash suddenly rang out behind him. The plaster doll Bonnie had given Sean lay shattered on the floor before the bookshelf. It was something she had painstakingly worked on for a month while on a respirator. Her right hand held the needle as she shaped it inch by inch. Kelsey stood in front of the bookshelf, trembling in fear. “Sean, I just thought it was really pretty and wanted to take a closer look. I didn’t mean to…” Sean froze for a moment before quickly lifting Kelsey out of the shards. He held her close and soothed her. “It’s okay. You’re not hurt, are you? That’s all that matters. It’s just a plaster ornament. It doesn’t matter.” I teared up as I tried to reach whatever conscience he had left. “Sean, Bonnie made that for you as a birthday gift.” Sean cut me off impatiently. “I know. So? Kelsey said she didn’t mean it. You’re an adult. Why are you picking a fight with a child? “Besides, this kind of thing only costs ten dollars outside. Just get another one!” His indifference made me feel like ice water had been dumped over my head. It made me feel cold and numb. To him, the plaster ornament was worthless, and so was his daughter’s effort. Only Miranda and Kelsey mattered. “Sean, don’t forget your promise for tomorrow.” I refused to look at them. I picked up my things and turned to leave. If it had not been for Bonnie, I would not have set foot in this house. I moved back to my old family home and spent the entire night cleaning it. I went through every room. Bonnie could not stand filth. If she saw dust anywhere, she would refuse to step inside. That day, I prepared a table full of her favorite food: chili con carne, spicy pulled pork, and spicy blackened fish. Her tastes had always mirrored Sean’s. They both loved spicy food. When she fell sick, I strictly controlled her diet and would not even let her have bell peppers. But from this moment on, she could have anything she wanted. I placed Bonnie’s urn on a chair, sat beside it, and waited. The clock on the wall chimed again and again. It was 7 p.m., but Sean still had not shown up. I wanted Bonnie’s last remembrance to be better than this. Sean, as usual, did not care. All I could do was call him repeatedly. Thirty calls went unanswered. On the thirty-first, he finally answered with a video call. I was about to speak when I saw Sean, in an apron, bringing out several plates of carefully prepared food from the kitchen. Even through the screen, I could see the bright grin on his face. “Sean, you really went all out!” Miranda approached Sean and gently wrapped her arms around him. He did not pull away. Beside them, Kelsey clapped her hands happily. “Mommy, can we stay with Sean forever? I really like him!” Chapter 5 Miranda glanced at the phone before looking at Sean with a shy smile. After only a moment’s hesitation, Sean scooped Kelsey into his arms and lifted her high into the air, drawing a fit of giggles from her. He did not answer, but his actions spoke clearly enough. I stared at the three figures on the screen as my heart broke apart, piece by piece. They were the perfect picture of a happy family. Where did that leave Bonnie and me? Tonight was supposed to be for Bonnie. He had promised one last birthday with her. But it seemed he was busy making happy memories with someone else’s child. I wondered if he even remembered Bonnie at all. I ended the call and lit the candles on the table. Maybe the food was too spicy, because I could only swallow each bite through my tears. At 9 p.m., I set up a fire pit in the yard. One by one, I began placing Bonnie’s favorite things into the flames: the clothes she wore as a newborn, her baby rattles, the outfits she wore just before she died, and her stuffed dolls. For five years, I had raised Bonnie with love, devotion, and care, but Sean had ruined it all. How could I not hate him? As I watched the flames slowly consume Bonnie’s belongings and turn them into ashes, I could no longer hold back my tears. “Bonnie, this day marks a week since your death. I was afraid you’d be lonely, so I brought you everything you loved. Please take them with you. “From now on, I won’t be by your side anymore. Take good care of yourself. You won’t have to get injections or take medicine anymore. You must be happy about that, right?” Just then, Sean’s voice came from behind me. “Where’s Bonnie? Kelsey said some of her clothes are too small for her now. She wanted to give them to Bonnie, so I brought them over.” As he spoke, he pulled out the clothes, one by one, and proudly showed them to me. “Kelsey knows Bonnie likes frilly dresses, so she picked out all of hers for her…” I could not take it anymore. I snatched the dresses from his hands and threw them into the fire pit. Only then did Sean realize what I had done. His voice sharpened. “What are you doing? If you’re angry, take it out on me. Don’t drag the kids into this!” A cold laugh escaped me. My child had already paid for it with her life, yet he still had the nerve to say something like that. I pointed at the flames and looked at him coldly. “Weren’t these supposed to be for Bonnie? This is the only way she can receive them now.” Sean stared at the half-burned toys in the fire pit. His chest tightened as if an invisible hand had seized it, and a flash of panic broke through the usual indifference in his eyes. As he stood there in shock, I picked up the box from the table and held it out to him. “Bonnie prepared a gift for you before she passed away…” Perhaps the words “passed away” struck him like a heavy blow because his hands shook as he reached for the box. He trembled before finally untying the ribbon with unsteady hands. Inside were two neatly placed documents. One was Bonnie’s death certificate, and the other was a divorce agreement already bearing my signature. I disregarded his shock and looked at him with a faint smile. “Didn’t you say you’d grant Bonnie’s birthday wish? You can sign it now.”