I Gave Up on Us. Why Are You the One Regretting It?

The night before the study abroad application deadline, the class group chat blew up. [Oh my God, Ryan, why did you switch your application to the UK? Weren’t you supposed to go to France with Emma Bennett?] Ryan Hawthorne replied like it was nothing. [Yeah, I changed it. She has my login anyway.] [Once she sees it, she’ll switch too. She always follows me around. She can’t function without me.] I stood there with my phone in my hand, my mind going completely blank. Scattered across the floor, half tucked between my open suitcases, was the gift I had prepared especially for Ryan. I left the group chat, threw the gift away, and never opened the application portal again. What he did not know was this. He could give up the future we were supposed to share for Sophie Quinn. And I could give him up too. I could choose my own future without ever looking back. All those late nights, all those years of work, had never been only for him. Chapter 1 The night before the study abroad application deadline, the class group chat blew up. [Oh my God, Ryan, why did you switch your application to the UK? Weren’t you supposed to go to France with Emma Bennett?] Ryan Hawthorne replied like it was nothing. [Yeah, I changed it. She has my login anyway.] [Once she sees it, she’ll switch too. She always follows me around. She can’t function without me.] I stood there with my phone in my hand, my mind going completely blank. Scattered across the floor, half tucked between my open suitcases, was the gift I had prepared especially for Ryan. I left the group chat, threw the gift away, and never opened the application portal again. What he did not know was this. He could give up the future we were supposed to share for Sophie Quinn. And I could give him up too. I could choose my own future without ever looking back. All those late nights, all those years of work, had never been only for him. Ryan’s words cut straight through me. The school in France was one we had chosen together after twelve years of working toward it. And now, just like that, he had changed his mind. He had not even bothered to tell me himself. Someone in the group chat asked him. [What if Emma doesn’t see it? The deadline is midnight tomorrow.] Ryan gave a short, mocking laugh. [She’s been checking the portal every ten minutes since applications opened.] [She’s more obsessed with it than my mom. There’s no way she won’t see it. Whatever. You guys wouldn’t understand.] The others immediately started hyping him up, calling him bold and acting as if he had done something impressive. Then someone else asked. [But what if Emma doesn’t switch? Isn’t the school in France better for her?] Ryan went quiet for a few seconds before answering, his voice suddenly colder. [Bullshit.] [Emma has separation anxiety. Last time we went one day without seeing each other, she dropped everything and came looking for me. This time, if she doesn’t follow me, she won’t see me for three years.] [To her, I matter more than any school. She’ll choose me. She definitely will.] The chat went silent after that. After a long moment, someone spoke up carefully. [Ryan, isn’t that kind of unfair to Emma? We all know how hard she worked for this.] [You should at least tell her.] Ryan clicked his tongue impatiently. It took him a while to answer. [Too much trouble. I don’t want to deal with it.] [You all know how Emma gets. If she finds out I changed it because of Sophie, she’ll cry until my head explodes.] [Better not to say anything. Saves me the headache.] The group chat came alive again. [Fair enough. Emma’s great and all, but compared to Sophie, she’s still missing something.] [Ryan really does have girls wrapped around his finger.] Their jokes almost crushed me. I wanted so badly to call him, lose my temper, and demand an explanation. But my finger hovered over the screen, and I could not make myself tap his name. In the end, I simply crawled into bed in a daze. I stared at the ceiling as my thoughts slowly scattered. How could someone change so completely? Back when we decided to go to France, the two of us had studied French until we broke down crying in each other’s arms, but neither of us had ever thought of quitting. Every time we felt like we could not keep going, we would pull up a picture of the Eiffel Tower and tease each other until we found the strength to continue. The day we received our offers, we laughed and cried at the same time, thinking all the suffering had finally been worth it. But now, when the future we had dreamed about was finally within reach, he had shaken me off and run toward someone else. Honestly, if he had wanted to change his plans, I would not have blamed him. Chapter 2 But why couldn’t he have told me? In his eyes, was I really that unimportant? If I was such a burden to him, then what was the promise he had made when he proposed to me so carefully that night? Had the hour been too late, the lights too dim, for him to know who was standing in front of him? I wrapped my arms tightly around myself, hid in the dark, and sobbed without holding back. The truth was, I could live without him. I did not have separation anxiety at all. Ever since we were children, whenever he and I chose different schools or different classes, he would become moody for no clear reason. He only calmed down after seeing me. So I had kept walking steadily along my own path while bringing him with me. Ryan was right about one thing. I had always included him in the future I imagined for myself. When it did not harm my own prospects, I was willing to pay the price for loving him. But that did not mean I would keep compromising for him without limits. I closed the application form I had accidentally opened, wiped away my tears, and never opened the portal again. He had made his choice. I had made mine. From now on, we could go our separate ways and leave each other in peace. I had just finished washing my face when Ryan sent me a video call. [Emma, pick up. I want to see you.] When I did not answer, he sent several more video call requests in a row before finally texting me. [We’re at the usual place. Everyone’s waiting for you. Hurry up and come over. Take a cab.] But I did not want to go. [I’m tired. I don’t feel like going out.] His reply came almost instantly. [Are you sick? I’ll come over.] [No. Don’t come.] I had just sent the reply with a frown when Sophie messaged me. [I’m sorry. I was the one who kept clinging to Ryan and insisted on coming. I didn’t know you’d be upset. I’ll leave right now.] [As long as you’re willing to come, I don’t care what happens to me.] For a second, the message seemed to drip with fake innocence. Before I could reply, people in the private group chat started tagging me like crazy. [Emma, what the hell is your problem? You can’t stand Ryan having anyone else around him? There’s a limit to being petty.] [Throwing a tantrum just because you’re jealous Sophie is prettier than you? Get help.] I froze for a moment. I instinctively wanted to explain, but then I saw Ryan’s message. [Emma, I was the one who invited Sophie. If you’re angry, take it out on me. What’s the point of making things hard for her?] [Forget it. Come or don’t. We’ll have more fun without you anyway.] Then they sent me several photos of the food. Someone added, dripping with sarcasm. [Dinner tastes better without all that jealousy at the table.] What a bunch of lunatics. I left the group chat immediately. Then I deleted Ryan, blocked him, and cut him off in one clean sweep. No matter how badly we had fought in the past, he had always been pinned at the top of my messages. But now, he only deserved to stay in the dark little corner where blocked contacts belonged. The truth was, when Sophie first transferred to our school, she had been my friend. Back then, Ryan had even warned me that Sophie did not seem like a good person and told me not to get too close to her. I had put in a lot of effort to smooth things over between them. Then came the welcome party. Sophie took off her ugly black framed glasses and appeared in a red dress, stunning everyone. After that, Ryan never once told me to stay away from her again. He and Sophie became closer and closer. He even introduced Sophie to his childhood friends and the rest of his circle. By the time I realized what was happening, my friends had already become Sophie’s friends. And the way Ryan treated Sophie was unmistakably special. Chapter 3 That fight between Ryan and me had been so bad that it felt like my whole world had cracked open. Afterward, we went three months without speaking. I told him, “If you like Sophie, I’ll step aside.” But Ryan cried. He said, “You’re the person I care about most.” “Sophie has depression, and she was raised by a single parent. I just feel bad for her, so I’m trying to help.” I believed him. But Ryan had been treating me like an idiot. Their interactions only became more frequent, and “just friends” became the perfect excuse. Now, he had even changed his application because of Sophie. It made me look like a complete fool. By the time I came back to myself, it was already dark. I had no idea when my mom had come home. She looked at me and smiled. “Did you and Ryan fight again? You even blocked him. “He wants you to add him back.” I gave her a vague answer, then left the house. Our counselor had just asked us to return to school and confirm our applications one last time. When I arrived, there was an empty seat beside Ryan. Usually, that seat was mine. But Sophie sat down in it without the slightest hesitation. Ryan did not say anything. Instead, he naturally took the bag Sophie handed him. Only his gaze flicked toward me, casual and almost expectant. He was waiting for me to cave first. Too bad he had miscalculated this time. I turned and sat beside Caleb Foster, the most popular guy in school, far away from them. “Make sure you check everything carefully one last time,” the counselor said from the front of the room, speaking with such urgency that he almost sounded breathless. “The application portal closes tonight. Once it does, regret won’t help you.” Caleb suddenly glanced at my application form. “What a coincidence,” he said. “I’m going to France too.” Before I could answer, someone tapped me on the shoulder. “Emma. Don’t you have anything to say?” I ignored him and was just about to speak to Caleb when Ryan grabbed my arm and dragged me out. “Emma, are you done? “You got carried away throwing a tantrum, and now you’ve learned how to block me? “I’m warning you. Unblock me right now, or don’t even think about adding me back later.” I was forced to look at him for a few seconds. “Oh,” I said. “I wasn’t planning to add you back later anyway.” Ryan’s face darkened instantly. “Fine. Don’t come begging me to talk to you later.” I turned to leave, but he suddenly grabbed me again, his eyes unexpectedly serious. “It’s almost time. Check your application carefully one more time. Don’t enter the wrong thing...” He seemed about to say more, but Sophie came over just then and cut him off. “Ryan, I don’t really understand this part. Can you help me look at it?” “Sure. I’ll check it for you now.” Ryan immediately lowered his head to look over Sophie’s documents. I let out a small, mocking laugh, then turned and walked away. By the time he tried to say something else, I was already almost back inside the classroom. “Emma, remember to check it again. Check it carefully!” Right. He really did think his words were law. He probably assumed that once he reminded me to check, I would obediently open the portal, discover that he had changed his application, and then follow him by changing mine. What a fantasy. Since he refused to say it outright, I would simply pretend I knew nothing. After all, he thought “coaxing me” was such a huge inconvenience. And I thought explaining anything to him was an inconvenience too. Luckily, for once, I had finally opened my eyes. When I returned to the classroom, Caleb noticed that I looked upset and insisted on taking me out to watch a performance. When the show ended, we ran into Ryan, whose face was cold and tense. He looked at Caleb, his expression dark. I knew he had misunderstood. Chapter 4 But I had no interest in explaining. I treated him like he was nothing but air. Just as I reached the corner of the hallway, I ran into Ryan and one of his friends again. “Ryan, you need to tell Emma already. If Emma goes alone, are you really going to be okay with that?” Ryan gave a disdainful snort. “What does what she does have to do with me? “Besides, she must have changed it already. She’s just throwing a fit. I can’t get rid of her no matter what I do. It’s exhausting.” I froze for a second and happened to walk straight into them. Ryan told the other guy and Caleb to leave first. Then he turned and blocked me in the corner. “You went to the music festival with someone else instead of me? Emma, you’re getting bold now. “You think that’s enough to make me jealous?” He held my hand, his voice careless and lazy. “Fine. I’ll apologize. I shouldn’t have snapped at you that day. Can we make up now? “Did you check your application?” After saying that, he hesitated for a moment before adding, “Did you happen to check mine too?” I said nothing. The atmosphere instantly turned awkward. While we were still stuck in that stalemate, Sophie walked over. “Ryan, they’re all picking on me. Come help me.” Then she seemed to notice me for the first time, her voice filled with surprise. “Oh, Emma, you’re here too? You didn’t come because you saw my Instagram Story, did you? “Please don’t misunderstand. I just like lively places, so I asked Ryan to come. I’ve loved this band for ages.” There it was again, that syrupy little act. I had no patience for her performance. While Ryan’s attention shifted, I slipped out of the corner. I was about to leave when Sophie reached out and stopped me. “I’m sorry, Emma. Did I upset you by being here? “I’ll leave. I just hope you and Ryan won’t fight because of me. He’s been in a bad mood because of you these past few days, and it really hurts me to see it. “As long as he’s happy, I’ll do anything.” After saying that, she lowered her reddened eyes and moved as if she were about to bow her head to me. “What are you doing? Sophie, get up.” Ryan shoved me aside and pulled Sophie into his arms, his face full of concern. “Emma, can you stop losing it every time you see Sophie? “We’re all going to spend the next three years together. Why do you have to be so petty?” I stared at him and almost laughed. “Do you honestly think the way you two act looks like normal friendship?” He froze for a second, then sneered. “What, so you finally can’t pretend anymore? “Weren’t you the one who said she had it rough and asked us to take better care of her? So why are you getting jealous now?” I stared at him. The face I had known for more than ten years suddenly felt completely unfamiliar. “If you love taking care of her so much, why don’t you just marry her?” After saying that, I turned and left, ignoring Ryan’s furious shout behind me. “If you walk away now, don’t ever come back.” I did not even look back. When I got home and sat down, I saw that Sophie had updated her Instagram Stories. A group of them was playing Truth or Dare. Sophie had drawn a dare that required her to kiss anyone present. Her gaze drifted toward Ryan, but he did not move for a long time. “Ryan,” Sophie said softly, “you’re the person I know best here.” “Oh, come on, Sophie. How are we not close to you? Are we invisible just because Ryan’s here?” As the others teased and whistled, Sophie’s face grew redder and redder. She kept trying to explain in a panic, so anxious that tears came to her eyes. Ryan was still sitting where he was. Chapter 5 “If Ryan doesn’t want to, I’ll drink as my penalty.” With that, Sophie picked up the glass and squeezed her eyes shut. A hand suddenly reached out from behind her and pressed the glass back down. “You’re allergic to alcohol, and you’re still trying to drink? Are you out of your mind?” “Then what am I supposed to do?” Sophie said. “If I don’t finish the dare, I have to take the penalty.” Ryan looked at her, then lifted her chin. “You really couldn’t choose anyone but me?” “No.” Blushing, Sophie grabbed Ryan by the collar, rose onto her toes, and kissed him tentatively. This time, Ryan did not pull away. Instead, he slid a hand around Sophie’s waist and deepened the kiss. “Ryan, you absolute legend!” The cheering and laughter around them grew louder and louder, while my heart felt as if it had been dropped into boiling oil, burning so badly I could barely breathe. Even though I had already told myself I no longer cared about him, seeing that scene still hurt. A relationship of more than ten years could not be ripped out of my heart without tearing something open. At eleven fifty that night, something small suddenly hit my bedroom window. A pebble. It was the secret signal Ryan and I had shared for years. For one second, I truly wished I could forget everything. I leaned out to look. Standing downstairs was Ryan, the same Ryan who had just been wrapped around Sophie moments ago. His voice was coaxing and unsteady. “Emma... stop being mad. Be good... Change your application... “The UK is great... When we get there... I’ll take you to see Big Ben...” When I went downstairs, I could smell alcohol on him. His words came out slow and heavy, nothing like his usual arrogant self. Honestly, wouldn’t it have been nice if he had always been like this? If he had coaxed me until I became some hopeless girl in love, loving him with everything I had. Thank God he had not. “Emma, the UK is great too. “If you want to see the Eiffel Tower, we can go whenever you want. It’s only a five hour flight. “You’ve never been away from me before. You cry if you don’t see me for a single day. I don’t want you crying, so I’m letting you keep following me...” In the version of this scene I had imagined for myself, I was supposed to slap him coldly, then turn and walk away with dignity. But right then, my feet would not move. So I took a deep breath and pushed Ryan away. “Stop pretending to be drunk.” Panic flickered through his eyes, but he immediately acted as if he had no idea what I was talking about. Ryan, you really were such a disappointment. Even now, why were you still so cowardly and dishonest? “There’s no time, Emma. Let’s deal with the important thing first.” He grabbed my hand and tried to unlock my phone. “Be good. The UK is really great. Once this is over, you can be as angry as you want. “I’ll listen to you from now on.” I froze where I stood. “So even now, you still won’t just tell me the truth?” “Is that necessary?” he said. “You already know anyway.” I was insane. Absolutely insane for wasting even one more second on him. I shoved him hard, sending him crashing to the ground. Then I walked away while Ryan shouted desperately behind me. “Emma, don’t regret this!” Even now, he was still trying to threaten me. I turned back and held up my phone. “It’s twelve oh one.” Ryan’s expression was almost impressive. I went back to my room and threw myself into the dark. One last time. I would let myself fall apart one last time. I would be sad over him one last time. But just as dawn began to break, my mom pushed open my door. “What happened between you two? Ryan came over first thing this morning.”